| <3 |
[20 Nov 2008|12:41am] |
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mood |
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 awake |
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The only sensible way to live in this world is without rules.
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[19 Nov 2008|11:51pm] |
oddly educational.
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| THERE IS THE KNOWN AND THE UNKOWN. |
[19 Nov 2008|11:21pm] |
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“People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that’s bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they’re afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they’re wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It’s all in how you carry it. That’s what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you’re letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain.” — Jim Morrison
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[17 Nov 2008|09:45pm] |
Moving. Permanently. To Blogspot! Figured I'd give it a try.
byebye.
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[17 Nov 2008|01:44pm] |
I just want to curl up on my window sill with my notebook and write about how much everything hurts right now and why it does and why it shouldn't. I want to cry and cry and cry and never stop. Nothing makes sense. Nothing ever makes sense. Except this deep, closing pain in my heart that never seems to dissipate.
I look back on my life, I look back on this past year and the only feeling I can muster is that of disappointment - in myself. This has been nearly an entire year of recovery, and in reality, what do I have to show for it? Very little. Am I healthy? Sure, why not? Am I happy? Some days, yes, other days, fuck no. This was not how it was supposed to be. I was supposed to be BETTER. I'm still the same person I was then, only worse in so many respects. Because I know the right thing. And I want the right thing. But I can just never seem to want it enough. I'm terrified of things that aren't the least bit fear-inducing, I'm always tired. I'm never better. When will I be better? I'm so fucking sick and tired of being sick and tired. This shouldn't be. I'm still grappling and pining away after things and people that no longer want and or need me and things I shouldn't want or need. But, I do.
THIS SUCKS. THIS HURTS.
I remember how I felt those last few nights before I left for Florida. How scared I was...How sad. How I knew I had to bid farewells to the few people I really loved and how hard I knew that was going to be. And I remember that feeling in my lungs, like I couldn't breathe if I didn't have those people with me through the last of it, how I knew I'd have died had it not been for their kind words and recognition. And how I'm fucking it up. Again. Those nights hurt more than anything...but I feel the same way now. Like this is goodbye, this is the end, and I have to let go. I HAVE TO LET GO.
My heart just aches and aches and aches and I just keep crying and crying and crying.
Joe's mad at me over Patrick and I don't even like Patrick and Patrick keeps calling and I don't even want to answer. There's no one at this damn school worth a damn bit of my time and I HATE THAT. None of them are attractive or fun or intelligent. No fun to talk to. Patrick's all fine and wonderful and a real pleasure to look at, but outside of that, I want to punch him in the head and tell him to go fuck himself. I'm tired of this. I'm tired of comparing and looking for flaws I know really aren't there. I make no effort. That's my problem. I don't care enough to make the effort because I want to keep reminding myself that I fucked up, it could've been better, and I could've had what I wanted. And now I can't, and I'll never be able to, ever again. I'm a fuck up. I'm tired of being a fuck up. And I'm tired of wasting my days sitting and watching the clouds pass hoping to God there's someone out there who will love me someday, like I've loved....
I feel so alone.
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| Finally might use this thing. |
[17 Nov 2008|12:09pm] |
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Comment to be added!
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[16 Nov 2008|11:38am] |
I'm so tired of Patrick's shit. I'm tired of fucking 3 am phone calls. 'Where are you?' Not with you, not on campus, and fucking around with my friends. Fuck off. You only want to talk when its convenient for you. Or when you're drunk.
I don't get it. I don't understand what the hell his deal is. He likes me one day, is uninterested the next. I pay him no attention, usually, but sometimes I wonder what the fuck he's doing. He's such a sketchball. It's been like an entire month almost, and I don't know where it's going, if anywhere. Some days I think, 'Wow, shit, I like you, you're so different and adorable and good..' and other days I'm like, 'Fuck this, fuck you, fuck around with someone else.' I think I should just put an end to it, or let it dissipate.
I think I might keep his sweatshirt though, hmmmm. hahah.
ps, I pierced my nose and my room smells funny.
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| awesome. |
[15 Nov 2008|04:57pm] |
Amputee day happened.
It was an accident,
but it HAPPENED.
Edit: Also?
Trent Reznor can transform into a fucking dinosaur.
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[13 Nov 2008|07:06pm] |
this weekend is either going to be a) crazyamazingwonderful or b) ohmyfuckawfulterrible. I'm hoping it's not the latter but there's a good chance it might be.
School is so dramatic. I'm so over it. I just need Thanksgiving break already.
I don't understand males and their games. I don't really even care that much, I'm just confused, I want answers. Apparently that's asking far too much...
ANYWAY.
Let's keep our fingers crossed.
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| space potatoes. Or: more stupid videos |
[13 Nov 2008|06:37pm] |
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[10 Nov 2008|04:44pm] |
I'm so behind in my work.
But sometimes, there's life to be lived and I'm living it.
I missed two classes and went to Long IslandGuam at 3 am with someone I don't know well and ended up learning more than I expected. A lot more. I don't know how I feel. I don't know what's happening.
All I know is that it's so nice to sleep next to someone sometimes.
So, so nice.
Sigh.
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| <3 |
[09 Nov 2008|11:03pm] |
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| this makes me think of kim. |
[09 Nov 2008|12:40am] |
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[08 Nov 2008|02:12pm] |
i finished my RIT application today and submitted it.
now i wait.
& yesterday was mine and jason's 3 month anniversary =)
he got me red roses and sponge candy
he's awesome.
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| what i'm listening to |
[06 Nov 2008|06:39pm] |
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music |
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out hud - its for you |
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1.
2. i believe - simian mobile disco
3. drunken punch up at a wedding - radiohead
4. blind - hercules & love affair
5. fancy footwork - chromeo
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| pretty much everywhere. it's gonna be hot. |
[04 Nov 2008|07:07pm] |
i laughed at this for like an hour.
the end had me rolling
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[04 Nov 2008|10:10am] |
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I am a fucking idiot. I really am. And I fucking fall for it every time. I don't know why I'd ever even have the audacity to believe that a guy could actually like me for something other than the ass I could provide him with. Jesus fucking Christ. That's it. I'm becoming a lesbian.
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