taylor alison swift.


dear taylor alison,

ALRIGHT, HERE IT IS, MY SUPER SECRET PROJECT THAT IS SURE TO DISAPPOINT. what is it? what we have here is a beginner's guide to the video for you belong with me. what i have constructed here is a step-by-step guide to truly understanding the video, and i feel i have carefully analyzed the nuances that most people might have missed. it was a labor of love - i made all these screencaps myself - so all i'm aiming for is to make you smile at least one time throughout the course of this. please keep in mind that i did write the majority of this between the hours of 3 and 5 am so forgive me if i write anything particularly off the wall. i am not a man of many words so i do not expect to come close to your eloquence, but at least know that you inspire me to forgo sleep in the name of watching a video of us over and over, trying to get the perfect screencap of you in a dress. these are the things you drive me to, woman, and i wouldn't have it any other way.

-lucas



everybody, please meet my close and personal friend lucas. lucas is a sad sack of a man. i hate to say this, but it's the truth. see, he just got off the phone with his girlfriend who he spends 99% of his time arguing with and apparently he still buys his shirts from the baby gap because that shirt sure as hell ain't fitting him properly. also, he likes to keep his curtains open late at night so everyone can see in his house, but this is crucial to our plot so we'll let this slide.


turning our attention right next door, we have taylor alison. taylor alison is more than likely captain of debate team and head trekkie in the shatner fanclub for 4 years running, but i cannot confirm any of this. she is also a total creeper. seriously, do you see the way she's staring in lucas's bedroom? it's like rear window up in here. but that was the underlying theme to this video: creeping is beneficial sometimes. you see, taylor notices lucas and his baby gap shirts fighting with his girlfriend on the phone every night and because she has a crush on lucas (WHO WOULDN'T, HE'S A STUD, RIGHT) we have ourselves an interesting little story unfolding here.




being neighbors, taylor and lucas communicate through sharpie signs because apparently texting and instant messaging do not exist in this world. we won't question it. taylor, being a caring soul, asks lucas what the deal is. he mentions that he's sick of drama. why am i smiling in that? drama is no laughing matter. i think i was smiling because i foresaw you doing a perfect imitation of the sad face you drew and it just about doesn't get any cuter than that. side note: why is my room the powder blue and yours the awesome green? that ain't fair. we should trade.



now our buddy luke is a little premature in this scene (but just in this; LET'S CLARIFY THAT THIS IS THE ONLY PREMATURITY GOING ON FOR LUKE) because he shuts his curtain before taylor alison was done with the signage. this is a damn shame because she saved the best sign for last - you better believe that says 'I LOVE YOU.' taylor alison, you should have busted that sign out first. you would have saved yourself a whole lot of time with that and the rest of the video could have just been us making out. WHY DIDN'T I PITCH THIS?








with lucas gone to go do whatever it is he does behind closed curtains (which is god knows what, because since he likes broadcasting stuff like his relationship problems to the world he's obviously not a private guy about much), taylor here decides to practice auditioning for hellogoodbye, papa roach, wizards of waverly place, and 3oh!3, respectively. then there is a lengthy dance sequence that my screencaps don't really do justice but you see the air guitar and the brush microphone here and i really think that says it all. you're the best at fake rocking out, taylor alison.



WHO'S A CREEPER NOW? that's right, folks. now you know that lucas and taylor have gotta hook up by the end of the video because there ain't no way either one is gonna find a fellow creeper as big as the one that lives right next door. lucas is taken with taylor's fake rocking out and extremely diverse wardrobe that is apparently consistent of 90% hoodies that could belong to brokencyde. he, my friends, is smitten. but why the hell couldn't he have creeped 5 seconds ago so he didn't miss the epic sign? AGAIN, THE REST OF THE VIDEO COULD HAVE BEEN SPENT OTHERWISE. and you know what i mean by otherwise. they need to let me direct.


NEW SCENE, HELL YEAH. i like that you have really perfected the nerd grip in this, taylor alison. they don't hold books from the bottom like normal people, they insist on grabbing them from the top. is the book going to fly away, nerds? why the death grip? these are the questions that haunt me.




hey look, i'm in a shirt that fits. go figure. anyway, lucas arrives to talk to taylor about god only knows and gesture really wildly while doing so. i was apparently an italian in this video; god bless the mussos. since my hands don't stop moving in this scene, they manage to make their way up to your hair to tuck away a strand and i have to say that was the moment my life changed. getting to touch your hair was the closest thing to a religious experience i have ever had and i would like to thank you for making that happen because it honestly brought me closer to jesus. it is a halo of spun golden silk, i am telling you.






oh look, a sweet car. wonder who's in it? oh look, a hot chick. hot chick in a sweet car. this video could not possibly get any better at this point in time. we're gonna go ahead and call this other hot chick alison taylor. alison taylor, for all her beauty, is as evil as the devil, people. look at taylor alison trying to be all friendly by waving to satan. do you know how satan responds to people waving? by making out with my friend lucas. if this were the case in real life, i would pay people to be friendly every time i was around you, taylor alison. i would take you to every baseball game in the world so there would never be a shortage of people doing the wave. get it? wave...and waving? IT'S LATE, I'M SORRY. anyway, the point is that by the end of this scene, lucas looks more like a kidnapping victim than a man spending quality time with his girlfriend, and that is really the key here. i could be the poster child for stranger danger in this. all i need is a rape whistle. not that i would use it in this instance, but moving right along.






there is one thing i learned from this scene and that is this: it is a lot more fun to be in the band than be a cheerleader. why don't more girls just join the band? you get sweet instruments and hats. that would be enough to convince me, honest. look at how my man there with the trombone is even emphasizing your point by sliding out with his instrument. cheerleaders can't do that kind of stuff. all they're doing over there is clapping. to be fair, all i did was catch a ball (barely, but please don't bring this up again) and then celebrate about it for like 15 minutes, but such is how sports work. also, even i gotta admit it was a sweet catch because apparently i got it into the end zone the second the game ended by the way the team just all ditched their helmets to celebrate immediately after. music video editing magic. could almost bring a tear to a man's eye.




how does a football superstar celebrate a win? i'm guessing by taking his first lady to outback, i wouldn't know. i run a fraternity, not a sports team. whatever the case here, lucas goes to talk to alison taylor only to find her macking on this man here with the clearly sub-par hair. i don't mean to knock the man, but even with lucas's extreme helmet hair there, his coif is truly fantastic. number 8 wouldn't be able to compete with that. thus, he is stunned, which leads to alison taylor saying something like "WHY YOU ALL IN MY BUSINESS?" or something else that would require a lot of neck moving and finger wagging. she is a sassy woman.




first of all, i can't believe i'm still awake. i'd like to point that out. i know that if you've made it this far you are more than likely wondering what on earth is wrong with me. i haven't slept, taylor. and everything that i'm writing at the present time not only makes sense in my head, but is also kind of funny to me. i know this must be truly disturbing for you. alas: WE SOLDIER ON. my friend lucas here decides to ask taylor alison to the prom but she rejects because she has to study. this is reasonable to me. taylor alison has a 4.0 to maintain and all she's really going to be missing is a bunch of buzzed seniors bumping and grinding to soulja boy for 4 hours. hell, if lucas were smart he would have gone over there and done some of that homework with her. say, this reminds me of a great pickup line that i accidentally heard tonight. taylor alison, do you want to be my homework? i'll throw you on the desk and do you all night.

this moment brought to you by the t&l fraternity.



buried in the depths of her sea of homework, taylor's still got that epic sign. that's how you know it means a lot to her, she keeps it with the other stuff that's near and dear to her heart: homework. anyway, at this point the glasses come off and we have ourselves a clark kent to superman moment. i wish you wouldn't take my job, taylor alison. you're a way hotter superman than i, and i can't even compete or debate this.



well look here. taylor alison cleans up pretty nice, folks. although let's be honest with ourselves; she was already pretty much the hottest nerd in the history of existence so it's not like we are making this huge leap here. for some reason though, everyone is stunned. including lucas, but--hang on, we need to discuss that pimp in the red jacket in the background of the second screencap. everyone else is wearing blue, white or black like there was some kind of color theme for this prom but that man decided to go for a red tux. i wish i were as cool as him, and i am not even being the least bit sarcastic. i officially know what my next clothing purchase will be.




THE EXTRAS IN THIS VIDEO WERE AWESOME. check out that guy's hands location in the first screencap there. nice. anyway, back to the plot. lucas decides to make his way over to the now blazin' hot taylor alison. what a superficial jizzlobber. clearly lucas is a tool and taylor alison should realize that she can do better. and...i had another joke for here, but then that red dress came into view and good lord. see, this is another reason i need a red suit. so you can go get that dress again and we can go places and match. this is just my justification for trying to see you in it again, basically. to sum this section up: lucas tells alison taylor that her and her quite shiny lips should go take a hike which is really astounding. clearly that man wasn't looking at her dress. do you see this dress? let's get one more view of that dress.


she was evil. but she made it look so damn good.



well, being the smart cookie that she is, taylor alison did not just come here to fill up on punch and watch people attempt to dance badly. no, this woman has a purpose. she reminds me of another girl i know who's like that. real pretty girl with these piercing eyes who's always got goals and kind of inspires me with the way that she always goes for what she wants and doesn't compromise herself in the process. i forget what her name is, though. it'll come to me. anyway, taylor alison produces her epic sign and SHOCKER OF SHOCKERS, luke here has got a sign of his own. they are a match made in creeper heaven. why did my sign have to be all frayed and folded when yours was looking so nice? unfair, taylor alison. you're trying to make a man look bad over here.



in conclusion, we reaffirm what we knew all along - lucas and taylor alison belong together. and even though this kiss happens about 4 minutes later in the video than i would have liked for it to have happened, i think that only proves that sometimes you gotta wait for what you want and if it's worth anything, it's worth waiting for. you, milady, are always worth waiting for. and that's the moral. i think that about concludes my guide. this is the part where i go pass out, now. see you in a second, taylor alison.