always coming back to you

cumou @ 2008-08-24T01:14:00

2008-08-24T05:15:36Z

i really can't believe what's happening...

cumou @ 2008-08-10T23:52:00

2008-08-11T04:35:49Z

hah! I finally got lastfm to pick up my music. You would think that I could use MarketPlace since I have a zune, but nooooooooo. That'd be WAY to easy. Instead I have to use window's shity media player. Oh well, i don't care anymore, because right now i'm listening to strawberry swing and i am very, very happy. :)

I'm dead tired from work. Tonight was crazy, it was like one huge fucking rush after another and I had to do lobby. I feel like an old man, my back hurts, my arms hurt, i'm a mess. But here's the kicker...

I only worked four hours today.

how? how in the fucking hell am I so dead tired after only working for four hours. It's not like I'm doing hard labor, or doing anything that takes any kind of particular skill or talent. I just don't understand. I want more hours. I need more hours. How is this all going to work out? How? How? A ring? A wedding? College? I know megan doesn't like it when I get so worked up about this. But I have to. I need to. WE need to. I just want everything to work out. It has to. I want to give her the world and I want to do everything I can to get it for her. I just want to make sure we don't have to compromise on these things, and if that means more time working and being dead tired, well bring it on. I'm ready. I know I am.

calm. down. breath. live.

2008-08-01T15:41:16Z

so I've got about 40 minutes to kill before i gotta go into work for a 3 hour shift. yeah, i know, fucking stupid. but hey after that i'm going to pony pastures with megan and cody and maybe kendric too.

So I thought I'd post a few songs on here that i've really started taking a liking to. some are old, some are new, some i don't even know how i heard of them, i just....know them. haha. so yeah, if you have a little free time and feel like hearing some new songs, continue my friend, continue.

brett dennen
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QVLg1HsONXY

john butler trio
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B5p-05HvAhc

bon iver
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UrMmr1oMPGA

nizlopi
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RUms3ScecTM

coldplay
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ebeZ2XjUpIs

conversation, anyone?

2008-07-17T04:07:35Z

so, let's talk. ask a question, or something. I'd like to get to know you guys..

is it really sunday?

2008-06-29T14:59:30Z

here's some old poetry/songs/a short story that i felt like posting. tell me what you think !

so let's start of with some poetry...

3x5
by Patrick Hicks

The lights.
The lack there of.
Flash.
The shutter snaps.
The portrait is stolen.
Forever.

Darkroom symphonies blare through the curtain
as memories and landscapes come from hiding.

Once more,
the day is cold.
I put in a new roll.
The film catches.
I take in the scenery for what it is and what it isn’t.
I take it all in.

This joy of mine,
of stealing life and nature,
it’s paid off when others see it.
Analyze it.
On 3x5 photographs.

Hometown Rundown
By Patrick Hicks

Without warning
the streets call back to me in a bittersweet tone.
It's obvious, but somehow unwanted.
I close my eyes and ears
in a hope to remember those long summer nights
spent here with friends.

I.N.U.T.T.B.T.F.
By Patrick Hicks

4 a.m. silence.
An urban jungle falls dead
to sounds of laughter

That Night
By Patrick Hicks

Perhaps you smile to remember the secret.
The one you have hiding from the world in that teenage head of yours.
And while grinning,
you recall all the people who were there:
Your sister.
Your best friend.
That kid that no one really liked at the time, but was there anyway.
Your smile turns to a chuckle,
because you can still see the look on your sister's face when you fell down.

Again.

The Front Door War
By Patrick Hicks

As I turn the knob located on my front door,
I look out the pane of glass that, at this moment, lets no light in.
The knob resists my passage
and reluctantly turns while screaming.
Suddenly the bronze knob turns dead silent –
a sign of victory.

The door triples its weight
While I pull with greater force than ever before.
Hinges squeal in agony
as the faint, but now existing, first rays of sunlight arise.

Then, as if it was a last resort,
the door flies open.
Cold air fills my lungs,
Its smell permeates through me.
It chokes me.
All the while dawn has taken notice upon me.
My porch is set ablaze with said light.
It was as if the day was beckoning me to come.
I accept, extending my right foot through the doorway.
The sun smiles, shinning as brilliant as ever.
Foot touches stone.
Weight is transferred.
One hand on the doorknob,
the other on victory.

The silence of morning is now broken
By trees coming alive with the sounds of birds chirping.
I’m through the doorway.
Warmth overtakes cold.
With might unmatched by anyone
I close the door with a sound that echoes through the morn.

And I go on my way.

Something about Mondays
By Patrick Hicks

Monday sunrises must be the most over looked events.
They're beautiful, as is every other, but something about Mondays.
Something about Mondays...

Something about Mondays bring out the worst in us.
Something that's disturbing, and depleting of trust.
We turn primitive and hateful
and unwelcome in the day-to-day.

But there are people out there,
true, honest people,
who do watch the sun raise every Monday morning.
People who are the first to say "Hello."
People who always put a quarter in the jukebox.
I'm so very thankful for those people,
especially here, as I watch the Monday morning sunrise.
====================
====================

Alright then, on to songs...

Molly Wasn't For Me

I'm so happy because today's my first day
away from all the strange.
Nothing's quite the same.
Nothing's quite like To-day,
because today's my first day.

Hello friend, what's your name?
And what's your sign?
You'll show me yours
if I show you mine.

And I'm so happy because now I'm away from that life,
all that pain, and all that strife.
Getting closer to that light.

Please don't hurt,
I feel like a passing cloud.
Away from all others.
Yeah, I'm just another one in the crowd.

I'm so lonely because today's the worst day
away from all the sane.
I'm not quite the same.
No, I'm not quite the same
To-day.

Look here, pen pal.
Read my thoughts.
Read my troubles.
Be my haven when I am down.
Give me the diction,
Oh, give me the key,
find truth in these words I give you
In the greater good of me.

Hello, Molly.
Pleased to see you're doing well.
Believe the lies I tell.
Love me and love me well.
I find sanction in your sheets,
between you and me.
Yeah, yeah, Molly
I know that you try.
Wipe that tear from your eye.
You life's much better without I.
See you, Beautiful.
Bye-bye-bye.

I'm so happy because today's my last day
No more love, only hate.
Please don't instigate,
it only widens the hole I've made
of myself.

Level One

I've been here for ten years
sitting at home cursing my fears.
I think it's time I realized
it's time to leave, to say good-bye.

It's been months since I've heard your voice.
I'd be with you if I had a choice.

It's no longer wrong.
You're no longer wrong.

It's been so long
since I've heard our song.
Feel like I'm alone
without you.

We don't talk as much as i'd like.
You're too busy, but that's alright.
I'll sit here and wait for you
It's the only thing left to do.

Days turn into weeks
and still we've yet to speak.
I feel like a ship taking on water.
Day by day we seem so much farther.

It's no longer wrong.
You're no longer wrong.

It's been so long
since I've heard our song.
Feel like I'm alone
Nothings been the same
and I'm the one to blame.
Honey, I'm a shame
without you.

Without a doubt, I miss you.
Longing every night just to kiss you.
Seems kinda funny, seems kinda sad,
The days with you are the best I've had.

And I know this song won't help
all the things I've done.
And I know you've gone through hell
just to be my number one and only.
But now you're gone
and the tides have changed.
All I know
has been rearranged.

It's no longer wrong.
You're no longer wrong.
You're no longer wrong to me.
We're no longer wrong to me.

Sayanora

G          Em
There I go again,
                           C
I've crossed the line once more.
             D7
Said to much again,
                          G
and she's running out the door.
             Em
If I had the chance,
                      C
the chance to take it back,
                    D7
I wouldn't change a thing.

I know that that's

G
A fact of pure opinion.
   Em
No lack of indecision.
C
A fact formed in this kitchen
        D7
in this very chair I sit in
G
Now that I think of it
    Em
she did have it coming.
C
What's a good relationship
D7
without some tough loving?

G
No, no, no.
Em
That's not fair.
C
I threw away her feelings
D7
without a bit of care.
    G
But please note this,
   Em
if nothing else you do,
   C
My love for her was brilliant.
   D7
My feelings, they were true.

G Em C D7
Oh,oh,oh,oh.
C            G
Sayanora, baby.

For Daniel
By Patrick Hicks

All the boys and girls, with their heads in the clouds,
have all gone to the south, where the heat is right now.
But fear not, silly boy, for they'll be back quite soon,
when springtime is here, and the flowers will bloom.
So sit back, relax, and let it all soak in.
Think of what is, what could be, and never should have been.

For right now the leaves have changed to the bloodiest of red
and the thoughts of a cold winter are lingering in my head.
The air is filled with the scent of dry wood burning.
The heart of every child is in the state of yearning
for the skies to bring snow, and the Clause's to bring gifts,
for the taste of mom's home cookin', and to believe in all those myths
of a fictional man with a workforce of slaves
who build whatever you please and shall never be paid.

Oh bitter, cold winter, though you seemed so right for me,
I can only think of spring time and the sight of greenery.
The cold is too clenching, the air is too thin,
and I want the warmth of summer back here again.
So sit back, relax, and let it all soak in.
Think of what is, what could be, and never should have been.

It is spring time now and I feel I've lost a friend,
for what I saw in you before has faced a sudden end.
True, the flowers return, the birds are back, and all seems well,
but they're all hard to notice when I'm hiding in my shell.
So shut the windows and barricade these doors,
lock the door behind you and hide beneath the floor.
Those damn days of summer have sadly come a'knockin'
and I'm afraid to show my face to something so damn astonishin'.
All the boys and girls, with their heads in the clouds,
have all gone to the south, where the heat is right now.
But fear not, silly boy, for they'll be back quite soon,
when springtime is here, and the flowers will bloom.
So sit back, relax, and let it all soak in.
Think of what is, what could be, and never should have been.

My First Day
By Patrick Hicks

I'm so happy because today's my first day
away from all the strange.
Nothing's quite the same.
Nothing's quite like To-day,
because today's my first day.

Hello friend, what's your name?
And what's your sign?
You'll show me yours
if I show you mine.

And I'm so happy because now I'm away from that life,
all that pain, and all that strife.
Getting closer to that light.

Please don't hurt,
I feel like a passing cloud.
Away from all others.
Yeah, I'm just another one in the crowd.

I'm so lonely because today's the worst day
away from all the sane.
I'm not quite the same.
No, I'm not quite the same
To-day.

Look here, pen pal.
Read my thoughts.
Read my troubles.
Be my haven when I am down.
Give me the diction,
Oh, give me the key,
find truth in these words I give you
In the greater good of me.

Hello, Molly.
Pleased to see you're doing well.
Believe the lies I tell.
Love me and love me well.
I find sanction in your sheets,
between you and me.
Yeah, yeah, Molly
I know that you try.
Wipe that tear from your eye.
You life's much better without I.
See you, Beautiful.
Bye-bye-bye.

I'm so happy because today's my last day
No more love, only hate.
Please don't instigate,
it only widens the whole I've made
of myself.

=========================
=========================

And now a short story i wrote. enjoy...

North Carolina
By Patrick Hicks

    On a clear day in September it’s easy to find yourself lost in a sea of boredom. That’s how it always was for me. Everyday seemed the same: no one around and nothing to do. I suppose living in North Carolina comes with an acquired taste, for I certainly couldn’t put up with it. Though now I look back at those pivotal years I spent there and seem to not be so bitter about it as I once was. Like I said: living in North Carolina comes with an acquired taste.
    One particular day sticks out in my mind as one of the most influential days of my life. I remember it distinctly because it was on one of those long, loathsome days of September. I was bored around my house, so I decided to go find something to do out in the country. I loved the country when I was in high school. I really did. I found myself eventually pulling in to a diner I’d never seen or heard of before. I was hungry and intrigued, so I parked my truck and went inside.
    As I pulled open the front door of the diner, I was immediately hit with the warm and alluring atmosphere that only exists in such hidden diners. The scent of baked pies and hot coffee, both freshly made, was dancing about inside the main room as I looked for a desirable seat. There was an old couple in a booth eating their breakfast. I sat myself at the bar, directly across from the couple, which now seemed to be having some conversation. While waiting for a waitress, I overheard what they were so hotly talking about. They seemed to be on the poorer side of the spectrum, the man was dressed in an old gray suit with a matching pancake hat about as old as he was, and his wife wore a long pale blue dress with a few stains here and there. The man was arguing with his wife about her smoking habits. She obviously had heard it all before and chose to throw regard into the wind with the light of a musty cigarette. Silence settled in, and I ordered my food while I fixed myself a cup of coffee. Just when my food arrived, they started back up again.
    The woman, her lips pressed against her cigarette, stared at her husband. She was old, but she was all there, that’s for sure. I turned around for a quick look, and she beamed a charming smirk at me so hard that I was forced to turn back around just as quick. After a few moments and long sigh she said, “I’ll die when I’m good and ready to die. If the Lord wants me, he can take me.” The old man chuckled, obviously amused at her stubbornness. He seemed like an honest, sweet man, he really did. Taking a sip of his black, black coffee, her rebutted, “That day might come sooner than you think, Eisley.” Feeling somewhat triumphant, the man slowly sat up from his seat, helped his wife to her feet, and came up to pay the bill. Eisley walked out to the car and he stood at the counter right beside me. He saw me. I mean he really saw me.
    “She never has tried to quit, you know?” The old man said as-a-matter-of-factly. He knew I had overheard them arguing. I didn’t dare say anything at that moment. He continued to study me, looking me up and down. He was a sharp man, even sharper than his wife. I later found out his name was Jim. Jim Scerth.
    He opened his mouth, ready to talk, but paused for a minute. He looked for his words with his eyes, jumping from one direction to the other. “Don’t stay here your whole life, boy. Honestly. There’s so much more out there that God has waiting for us. Get out there and live. I wish I had, kid.” The waitress gave him his change and he smiled back. Jim thanked her, and with a tip of his hat, turned to leave. On his way out, I yelled goodbye. I don’t think he heard me.
    That night, I flipped through the channels on my T.V. looking for something to watch. I stopped when I saw a picture of Jim on the news. That day, on their way home from breakfast, Jim and his wife Eisley were involved in a car wreck. Jim died. All his wife could say was, “I’ll never smoke again.”
    After that night my eyes were opened. I got out of North Carolina and traveled out west and saw the world. Saw what else it really had to offer. I don’t want to say Jim was right about seeing the world, because I just don’t think I’d be giving him enough credit. When you least expect it, a stranger can bring about the change you so badly, and sometimes unexpectedly, need in your life. All you have to do is act on it. I never knew why I didn’t like living in North Carolina. Jim told me why.

==========================================
==========================================

So there you have it. that's not all i've done, just what's on my computer at the moment. so maybe i'll keep adding more, who knows.

so i bought a harmonica..

2008-06-26T03:31:55Z

it's pretty sweet. but that's not what this journal entry is geared towards. actually i don't know what this journal entry is geared towards. hm..let's think of something to talk about...

how about i share some lame info about me. that should make for an enticing entry...not. oh well, her goes.

So, let's see. My name's Patrick Donovan Hicks. No, I am not black, even though my middle name is of the African persuasion.
I hate my last name, please to not mistake me for a back country redneck. please.
I hate iPods, so so so very much. Zune's are better. Way better.
I mean, don't get me wrong, Apple is an amazing company and their computers are fucking awesome. But really, Zune's kick ass.
My favorite color is brown, which everyone tells me is boring.
I JUST BOUGHT A FUCKING HARMONICA. YES!
Uh..I like going to the river a lot. and skipping rocks with megan.
I think religion was probably the biggest mistake of mankind. Either that, or boybands. They're pretty close for obvious reasons.
I like cooking. i like cooking for my baby. :)
i love black coffee. it's the only way to drink it. not all that stupid starbucks shit. buh.
i want a beard. so fucking badly. you have no clue.
my drawing skills are that of a first grader. not kidding.
i'm left handed!
i have an outie belly button!
i have a sweet birth mark on my chest that looks like japan!
i was on a swim team for three years. go birkdale barracudas!
i would love to own a nissan sentra one day.
i love moo moos!
(no megan we're not buying one though.
i'm sorry.
okay maybe one day.)
i love bob dylan.
i hate chris brown.
i love nickel creek.
i really love nickel creek.
i've been to canada! eh!
megan and i have gone to waffle house and stayed there for six hours.
i like to say 'poop' a lot.
i don't understand why we pay for bottled water. I mean, really?
i haven't drank soda in almost one year and five months!
ask me if i've seen a movie, you're bound to be disappointed. i don't watch very many.

okay, that's all for now. i'm tired. agent waffle: out.

cumou @ 2008-06-11T22:42:00

2008-06-12T02:51:14Z

so tomorrow's my last class. my last day, i guess, of this school year. it's been a crazy one.
i mean, i didn't kill anyone.
i didn't find a million dollars.
i didn't even make honor roll. (sorry mom.)
but i did find megan. and that is the best thing that has ever happened to me.
and just for that, nothing else even matters. she makes everything worth while.
i'm just so pissed i have one more to go. so fucking pissed.
i want college. i want independence.
i want marriage. i want a house.
i want an apartment first.
but later on a house.
i just want to have my own home, with megan.
i want to lead my days according to OUR agenda, not our parents'.
but it'll come soon enough, i know.
and i also know we've got to start saving up. big time.
because along with all that freedom comes a whole lot of spending. and taxes. and other stuff.
i really need to flesh out on all of this, i've been wanting to post about it, but every time i get a bunch typed out, there's always something i gotta do.
and this time it's practice for my final tomorrow for guitar. we have to 'the rain song' by led zeppelin. god, such a fucking weird ass song. i hate them for using such odd tunings. but i must retreat to practice the night away and lose sleep. haha.

more soon.
i promise.

cumou @ 2008-06-08T16:41:00

2008-06-08T20:44:43Z

blarg.
i went swimming with andrew and leland today at sunday park, it was nice,
but i missed megan the whole time. she was out with her dad and i didn't want to text her
because she was in a movie.
it's hot.
i mean really hot.

cumou @ 2008-06-04T23:03:00

2008-06-05T03:21:37Z

In less than an hour, I will be one more year older. that's it, just one more year. no matter how hard i try, no matter how many times i close my eyes and wish, i won't be five years older, i won't be four, three, or even two years older. Just one more. When will i finally be as old as i feel? When will my age actually reflect my maturity level? I'm just so tired of being young. Why is that? These are supposed to be the years i get to fuck up, supposedly. These are the years where I'll look back on and wonder why i was so stupid, so odd, so misguided. But for some reason I don't feel that. I don't see that in me at all. I see it all around, but not with me. Maybe i've always been the careful one. the one everyone hates because he's afraid to take risks. Maybe i've always been the lame one who never wanted to shrooms just because he had better things to do. I didn't really party. I tried weed. I hate weed. I drink, occasionally. But i've learned my lesson on when and where to do it. I've cut class, who hasn't. but i've also realized that's just a shitty decision because it does me no good. I don't know. I don't understand myself and maybe I shouldn't even be typing this all out because I know it's not the least bit interesting to anyone else. I just have been thinking about it lately, you know? Why me? Why do I have to always think about the future? I bet everyone hates me for it too. But what do I care. why should i give a damn. it's my life, i lead it the way i choose to. if i cared about all that shit above, about drugs, partying, all that shit, i would really really hate myself. I'm proud that I am the way I am. Yeah, I'm different from the average teenager. I mean come on, I want to be a high school english teacher. What teenager wants to be that when they grow up? Especially a male. I dunno, it's a blessing in disguise I suppose. one of those trick mirrors or something. i'm just tired of being surrounded by kids who just don't give a fuck about anything. they honestly don't.

so here I am.
almost one year older,
one year wiser,
and one more year until true happiness will be unfurled upon me.
i just can't wait for the day when i can greet my world.
my world. my life. my happiness.
just megan and i. that's all we need.

cumou @ 2008-05-23T23:47:00

2008-05-24T05:42:35Z

i should probably being going to bed soon, but i just feel like writing. i don't know what about, though. ideas, anyone?
hm this might be completely out of left field, but i just thought of two things: my future house & my first year of teaching.
two highly odd things to write about out of the blue, but i guess they've just been in my mind a lot recently.

I'm going to say the house is going to be in the city. Portland, if conditions are perfect. I don't know much about the area, so
we'll just say on some street downtown. I want a wrap around front porch with a bench so i can read the paper and smoke a cigarette
while megan's getting ready for work. I want a front door that screams "yeah, you wish you lived here." with a bunch of engravings and panels
and what not. Then inside, all wood floors. wood-mother-fucking-floors throughout the house. well maybe not in the kitchen. but everywhere else.

We'll have have lots of windows, so i don't forget there's a sun. and we'll have a spiral stair case maybe. that sounds fun right? "Hey, come over, we just
put in the spiral staircase. it's so fun!" But really, wouldn't that be sweet? The kitchen has totally been chosen by megan. RED. EVERYWHERE. hahah
but really, i like what she has planned. like a bar with old stools like they had at diners in the 50's, all shinny and stuff. and black and white tile, and of course
a bunch of red appliances. oh, and i want a huge ass clock in there somewhere. We'll have a damn fine coffee maker, because the shit i have at my house now
sucks ass and i demand heavenly brewed perfection. like waffle house.

Our bedroom will be big, but in no way oversized. I want it painted something bright, and happy. I don't want to wake up every morning, see the walls,
and be like, "oh great, these walls are dull, like my life." i want something that will make me say, "is it monday? OH FUCK YEAH, IT'S TIME TO TEACH!"
okay, that might not happen, but still, i think i'd be funny to do it anyway. I want a big bed so we can sprawl and move around and have bunches of pillows.
megan loves pillows hahah. We'll have an amazing bathroom, with a huge bathtub with jets and all that jazz. and i want candles. lots and lots of candles.

then there's the study. this is probably my clearest image of what i want. I want it to be really long, like not too narrow, but you get the idea. again, with wood floor, and a huge window and a door leading to the patio where we'll go each night to just unwind and look at all the traffic and commotion in the streets. Back to the study. I want the walls to be white, with the wall opposite of the big window covered with amazing quotes or song lyrics that i love painted in black cursive. and i want a hookah in the corner with floor pillows so we can invite people over and just hang out. The lighting is crucial. i want track lighting, like in studios. i just love it for some reason. I want this to be where i can go to just loose myself in a good book, or write a song and hear it echo throughout the room.

That's all i can really think of right now, it's late. megan, if you have anything to add, go for it. hahah :)

now, as for teaching...

i don't want to be just another teacher. i don't want my kids dreading my class and talking shit about me. i don't want them thinking this will be just another
year of boring english class. I want it to be special. i want to be remembered. As they come in to class each day, i'll have music playing, music from now, music
that inspires me and is special to me. It's just nice to walk into a room with inviting music. it sets a good mood. then well have open discussion, what they did over the weekend, who's looking for a job, just anything going on in there life. it's good to get them talking about their lives, not just their school lives. Don't get me wrong, they will learn the course material, but i'm going to make it fun. i'm going to be the english teacher who taught his kids the difference between participial
phrases and gerund phrases through playing guitar and writing witty, yet informative lyrics about grammar. I'm going to play the postal service while they're reading Romeo and Juliet, Bob Dylan while they thumb through On the Road, and Atmosphere as they work on their free verse poems. I'm going to show them
what i see in the art of words. I'm going to have poetry readings in class. I'm gonna turn the lights off, put on a cloak, and hold a candle as i read ghost stories
during Halloween. I'm going to take them outside and read when it's nice outside. When they're stressed out around exam time and they just can't focus, i'll say hey lets take a break and listen to my favorite death cab cd. I'll have projects that they'll actually have fun doing, like having them choose a song and analyze it and things like that. And i'll do the projects too. I just want them to feel like when they come into my room, they're no longer in school, we're in our on community.

above all, i want them to understand why i love what i do. if they only learn that, i'll be more than happy.

cumou @ 2008-05-21T14:10:00

2008-05-21T18:12:13Z

so here's a video of my friends and i playing ping pong from about a year ago. i have no idea why we did it but it's funny. enjoy :)

old pictures! go!

2008-05-19T03:16:28Z

so uh, i feel like posting some pictures to make up for the lack of words i have tonight.
not that today wasn't eventful. no, not at all.
megan and i visted the holocaust museum in richmond, got lost for a split second while making funny noises,
ate at cheeburger cheeburger, smoked and ate a brownie at friday's, went and saw derek,
and topped it off with a trip to waffle house.
i promised myself i wouldn't cry when we went to derek's grave,
and i almost made it, but i just couldn't. it's okay though, i know he's safe and happy.
i'm just so happy megan was there with me.
so, picture time!

cumou @ 2008-05-17T23:08:00

2008-05-18T03:56:52Z

i hate how i always worry too much.
and how i take things the wrong way.
i hate how my voice sounds,
and how i can't seem to write melodies.
i get nervous in front of big groups,
and i never know what to say or do.
i just sit there.
i hate how when someone's trying to help
i can be so oblivious sometimes.
i hate how lazy i can be.
i'm so unorganized,
i'm so unwilling to work.
I hate how i expect something out of people.
not an unreasonable amount,
just something.
I hate how i pick myself apart,
how i feel like something doesn't add up.
how i feel like it's not them, it's me.

but i love that megan can accept me the way i am.
i am flawed, and she knows this, and she continues to love me.
i love how she makes me feel.
like i'm strong.
or funny.
or smart.
all i need is her to make me feel wanted.
i love how she makes me see the good in all the bad.
i feel like i can protect her.
teach her.
learn from her.
if there was anyone the could ever make me feel better about myself,
it would be her.
she knows me better than i know myself.
i also know she can take all my flaws and show me just how good i can be.
i love her for that.

well damn

2008-05-16T02:58:33Z

so much shit to write about, so little time before i have to get off of here. so let's see how it goes.

so last night i finally talked to my parents, like truly, truly talked to them for the first time in a long time. we talked about how i hated being at the house, how i felt like an enemy all the time, and how things just working between us. and at first, you know, they didn't really get it, they didn't see this coming. but after i explained how i haven't wanted to talk to them about anything of importance and how i constantly avoided them, they started to see it. i know they love me, i've never doubted that, it's just when they are so overprotective, so controlling about every little thing, i just freak out. So we made a deal that if i stopped lying about petty shit (don't even get me started there), then they won't give me the third degree every time i want to hang out. and the changes were immediate. no lie. like, today i noticed when my dad called me after school he's completely changed his tone when he talks to me. he actually has a conversation with me, he doesn't have a question for everything i say. and my mom is so interested with college and megan and how she is and if we want to hang out at my house for a change. it's just really nice to have that here.

so now i sit here, i really need a cigarette, my feet are cold, and i'm just to awake to think of sleep.
but i'll be in waffle house in a few hours with megan and i can't think of anything better than that right now.
i miss her so much.