The following is based on actual events

emerald_chaos @ 2008-10-29T20:58:00

2008-10-30T01:00:22Z

I might make a new lj. The last one I had was from 2004 to like 2006 when all the depression and stupid shit was going on. Eh, maybe. I have to go in for 6 tomorrow, this leaves me time for nothing right now.

emerald_chaos @ 2008-10-06T21:05:00

2008-10-07T01:11:08Z

Oh October. I've realized many things today.
1.) Don't panic.
2.) I don't want to turn 22.
Seriously. Ok, not too seriously. But it still sucks. Getting older sucks. Every year I have to defend my stupid sense of humor that much more.

Every week for the last month I'll say, "Tomorrow I'm going to start eating right again, I got off track." And well...I think I gained like 4 or 5 (pushing 6) pounds back. No. Those need to come off. Those plus a lot more. In a way it's awesome to see that I've lost so much of the weight I put on since school. That I can wear things that I haven't fit in since I was like 17. But then it sucks because I had to trash half the clothing I had because it's 4 sizes too big now. So I equal poor now.

I feel anxious. Always.

emerald_chaos @ 2008-09-29T21:06:00

2008-09-30T01:09:10Z

The chances are high that I have a kidney infection. I have to go up to the hospital either Wednesday morning or Thursday morning. 12 hour fast for the blood work they're giving me too. I actually hope it's just something this simple.

Blah blah blah. I called off of work because my sides and lower back were killing me since last night. Then I felt horrible for calling off. Fuck that place and the guilt trips. Actually, you leave the message on voicemail so it's not a guilt trip, I'm just making it out to be one.

1,000 different things are killing my brain right now.

emerald_chaos @ 2008-09-26T17:54:00

2008-09-26T21:58:57Z

So Tiff had her baby yesterday. It didn't sink in until Mike called and told me her water broke the night before. It's a realization that we're all getting older and changing. Why does everything always make me sad?

I finally get to go to the doctors on Monday. I was hoping that when I called on Monday and said, "I'm in pain down both of my sides and it's spreading into my back" they would say, "Okay come in today." But, my doctors office sucks. And they say, "Well, we have an opening on Monday..." I don't know why I bother. I hurt :(

Um...yea.

emerald_chaos @ 2008-09-22T20:17:00

2008-09-23T00:24:19Z

I..................................................
need a second chance.

I..................................................
would probably find a way to eff that one up too.

I'm going to finish reading Choke sometime this week. I look back on all these books I bought and only read like two chapters out of. My attention span sucks. I still have to watch that movie I borrowed.

And finish painting my kitchen, and work on my not-so-super-hawt parallel parking skills, finish painting the spare room...and bedroom, and like 9 million other things that I don't do because I'm lazy.

I would like a robot for Christmas. Or a clone. But I think even my clone would be a lazy bitch.

I shall return another time.

emerald_chaos @ 2008-09-21T18:17:00

2008-09-21T22:24:49Z

People confuse me. And today, I'm just mostly lazy. I don't know what it means, and I'm sick of deciphering the metaphors.

emerald_chaos @ 2008-09-19T22:12:00

2008-09-20T02:13:17Z

I suck at driving, mostly. I almost got Jess and me killed today after work. The car in front of me made a right turn, I was going to make the left. I didn't stop before I pulled out of the lot into traffic like I should have. I can't guestimate distance and the guy was a lot closer than I thought. If I stopped like Jess told me to as soon as she realized it, he would have smashed right into the car and I'd be dead. I could deal with myself getting hurt but if anyone in my car ever gets messed up because of my craptastic driving skills I'm giving up on it.

Driving right after work SUCKS. I'm usually irritable when I leave the place. For the past month and a half it's like the last hour and a half are the hardest. My mind is in a frenzy. I guess I'm going to have to start waiting like 5 or 10 minutes in the car before I go or else I'm going to get someone killed.

All week I kept waking up and desperately waiting for the weekend so I could attempt to sleep in. Now it's here and tomorrow I have to get up early to go shop for paint for my kitchen.
...I think the universe has something against me.

I had stuff to rehash but I'd rather go pass out right now instead.

emerald_chaos @ 2008-09-17T19:51:00

2008-09-18T00:00:11Z

Sometimes when I'm bummed out and feel like reenacting my teen angst phase I'll say, "Nobody understands right now. Nobody knows how I feel and I can't relate to anyone on this."
And my little voice of reason will remind me that there's a song for every situation. Meaning: someone else was indeed in the same situation. The only difference is that they had the talent to stick their words together to form a song and then got rich from it. Go figure.

...
Are you taking this in, am I wasting my breath?
Did I ruin my chance, have you written me off?
[Thrice]

emerald_chaos @ 2008-09-16T20:06:00

2008-09-17T00:09:44Z

Mom's brakes went in her van. So she has to borrow my car for work tonight...instead of just taking David's truck and getting home in time for him to go to work.

I know I shouldn't get so pissy about this but I can't really help it. It's going to be in a parking lot all night where asshole customers don't care about anything. I'm anxious. That and the fact that she smokes like a fiend and will probably reek of cigarette smoke when she gets in the car. I'll commit an act of murder.

:)

emerald_chaos @ 2008-09-15T19:41:00

2008-09-15T23:41:58Z

I got my car!!!!!!!

emerald_chaos @ 2008-09-12T20:32:00

2008-09-13T00:38:41Z

I got a car!! The guy is going to keep it in his garage for me until Tuesday when we can get there to get the title and tag. I'm...amazed. I got to the point where I hated Tuesdays because that was when David and me went out to look around at cars and every time he'd find something wrong with something or just tell me something I didn't want to hear. I decided to just not get excited about anything I found after last week because I hated getting my hopes up just to be broken down. Seriously, when you're not looking for things they'll speed right to you. When you're looking, you never seem to find anything.

Now all I have left is my test on the 14th. I hope I don't mess up too bad. But seeing as how I came about a foot from running a police officer over the other day and I wasn't stopped for it, I think I'll be okay.

emerald_chaos @ 2008-09-09T21:43:00

2008-09-10T01:46:01Z

Something good NEEDS to happen this week. I'm avoiding Tiff like the plague because I'm still pissed about that car and how self-centered she still is after 2 years of not talking.

Ohh just breathe.

emerald_chaos @ 2008-04-20T09:01:00

2008-04-20T13:02:52Z

Aww, there's no place like GJ. I can't get used to writing in this. Actually wait...I just have nothing to write about. Haha, now I remember.

Get the led out...

2008-01-30T22:06:58Z

Led Zeppelin world tour...end of story.

The magic of mushrooms

2008-01-27T20:18:50Z

Jarrod came over last night and we did mushrooms. I was all prepared for them to taste so bad that I wouldn't want them but to me they kind of taste like a peanut butter. It took longer than an hour for mine to hit me and when they did I was just laughing at everything, seeing the patterns on my couch kind of glow, and then kept seeing Jarrod kind of blur and shadow. So obviously anything like that is cool with me. It was a little after 4 when I tried to sleep. From 4 to 4:30 when I heard David come home seemed like it took forever. Then I'm laying there and I'm amazed at how amplified everything sounded. Maybe he was just that drunk and loud but I doubt it. I heard him like crashing up the steps and slamming the hamper lid shut from over my mom's. Then I went back to sleep and all was well.

Today I have cramps and feel like death. Obviously this is why I was in a horrible "I'll kill you if you even smile at me" kind of mood all week. This is why being a girl sucks. Guys have it so easy and they don't even know it.

I'm glad I have nothing to do today.

The jerk that screwed up predestination

2008-01-25T02:42:24Z

So yesterday when I was miserable I was thinking about predestined fate and all the things that go with it. I'm not even going into any reasons why I was so gloomy but there was definitely a big one. And I was thinking that a sign or something out of the ordinary happening would be pretty great. So then last night something did happen...completely random and I wasn't expecting it.

I'm not even saying something retarded like "OMG that's sooo awesome!!" or anything. I'm just always in a better mood when things like that happen. When I feel like I'm not just thinking all these things to myself. I guess it's just this religious/spiritual thing that I won't go into. Not because I'm afraid of what people think but because it's one thing I'll never be made to feel that I have to defend myself over.

This thing could end up being nothing, forgotten by tomorrow. But it's still the fact that I was thinking about something out of the ordinary happening and in that same day it did. It's just kind of cool that's all.

Other than that...I got nothing. I finally opened up a bank account. The lady talked me into some premium thing to try for 3 months, and she talked me into buying checks that I didn't want. Damn you Snoopy decorated checks, damn you! And my contacts were killing me ALL day. I'd get the lasik surgery but even knowing that one person who now can't see for the rest of his life because of it...that changes things. My vision is extremely bad but at least contacts and glasses fix it. Once they mess up doing that there's no going back.

P.S. eye drops don't work.

P.S. your advice...it was awful

2008-01-23T23:46:57Z

Today was one of those days where I was so miserable that I didn't even want to be able to hear my own thoughts. Yesterday kind of sucked too, just not as bad as today.

NO I don't want to hear "Aw you look miserable today" because if you're saying that, you're lucky that I just look miserable and that I'm not voicing it.
NO I don't want to hear things like "Miss Cranky" or "Miss Pissy" as if that's your idea of "cheering me up".
NO I don't want to talk about it with people who just "listen" and won't contribute more advice than that generic "Tomorrow will be better" or "Don't worry about it, everything will work out" crap.
Obviously those people never truly had a bad day and needed to talk to someone. Because if they did, they'd know how irritating it is to hear things like that. Actually, those should be banned. And if they were literal objects, they could be torched.

I don't know what one's worse. To not be able to figure out why I'm sad and angry all day or to know exactly why and just keep thinking about it over and over. Probably to know. I wish I couldn't figure it out. Knowing doesn't fix much.

I'm thinking that I'm the most screwed up person that I personally know. For different things there are different opportunities and they all come swing past my way. And I just avoid them or refuse them. Me saying that it's "the smart thing to do" is getting old because doing the smart thing never really gets me anywhere good. Only to places like today where I feel like my thoughts are so horrible that they're actually burning into other peoples minds. No kidding, I'm an asshole. Ask anyone. I think it's in my genetic code. I think when dad died he planted his bad attitude in my head. He must have, I'm getting to be just like him.

Mom says I'll always be miserable even when I think I'm happy because I have "hate in my heart." She gets that kind of crap from watching religious things on TV. (*Note to self: shoot out all mom's TV's) But after she said it for the millionth time I realized that she's right. That so sucks to admit. Thank God it's just something she's saying and probably doesn't know the half of though.

emerald_chaos @ 2008-01-20T18:10:00

2008-01-20T23:37:00Z

I don't like Sunday. It's a day off from work but it's still like...that impending doom day where you know when you wake up in the morning, the weekend is really over and you have to do some actual work again. I'm just lazy today. I'm in a gloomy mood. Sleeping in only made it worse.

Cheers, thanks for everything

2008-01-19T04:41:46Z

Third time's a charm? I got my permit again. This is the third time I've had it. The other two I didn't use because I only got them to make my parents happy. This time around I realize how much it sucks being 21 and not driving. So, cheers to enclosed spaces and inevitable car crashes...!

Today was okay. My feet weren't hurting me so bad today. Eff you Nike for making me think there might be some magic to your product!

Nothing really happened today. I went to work, got out early because there was nothing to do, and went straight to the DMV. We got to the there at 3:20 and my ticket said an estimated 17 minute wait. So 45 minutes later my number was called and 6 minutes after that I was done with the questions. In conclusion; the DMV is Satan's asshole.

I feel ready to pass out now.

emerald_chaos @ 2008-01-17T17:44:00

2008-01-17T22:47:33Z

My friends page on GJ reads like an obituary for the site. Oh kids, we'll all be okay.