ephixius

crystal springs

ephixius@aim.com — Mon, 05 May 2008 03:43:59 GMT

ekkkk....
maybe there will be some miracle and someone will want a roommate
someone alexis can handle being around

fun

ephixius@aim.com — Wed, 16 Apr 2008 02:59:12 GMT

fun with Brett

ephixius@aim.com — Tue, 15 Apr 2008 05:05:33 GMT

I had fun w/ Brett and Nolan today... he's all smiley :)

Noodling with new guitar!

ephixius@aim.com — Fri, 04 Apr 2008 20:27:19 GMT

I bought a Larrivee. Here's some sloppy noodling:

I miss making music

ephixius@aim.com — Fri, 21 Mar 2008 03:11:43 GMT

This was a fun day, wish Drew'd move back so we could play gigs again.

after watching labrynth

ephixius@aim.com — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 03:02:49 GMT

warning if you have laptop speakers: Maghogany back and sides already make the highs harsh... just saying, might wanna cover your ears... plus ibanez don't exactly excell in the even sustain portion of guitars either--I should stop now or this will become a rant on how I want a stonebridge or larrivee or fuck that.. mcelroy*drools*

I'm sorry life isn't how you wanted it to be. It's not how I expected it either. I know you love me, but I'm not what you wanted out of life and now you resent me for it. Your point of view is just too biased in a bad way... to the point of becoming fiction. "Stagnate" should not be a word to describe our lives... and yes, it is OUR life.
"If you don't smack my butt you're in trouble."
That's a metaphor for how our life is played out now.

missing soda

ephixius@aim.com — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 00:45:18 GMT

I got it out of the fridge and was about to pop it open when BAMMMMMM!!!!!! Phone call!!!! I put the soda down and commenced my phone conversation with Dan--whom I haven't talked to in a long time and can't wait to see(we're going to make music*and yes I can put parenthesis inside dashes and asterisks inside those!*).<---I'm pretty sure I would end that with a punctuation mark such as a period or exclamation point and still be grammatically correct, minus the asterisks. Anyway, back to what's important. I put down the soda and...

Holy shit, I just found it... I sware to God I just found it as I was about to type "and... I don't know where I lef it." I've already opened another one. I put it in the chair, that doesn't seem like something I would do. Who else is here?

Babies... can't walk my ass.

purple people eaters

ephixius@aim.com — Tue, 18 Mar 2008 15:04:44 GMT

I get to go to work now. Should I tackle Alexis into awake mode? I think I shall.

I suppose I should update a real journal post. Let's see... Alex quit Bumpers, so we got another GM. He's not bad... he's just not particularly fun or intelligent. Alex called me the other night from Mugshots though--he was watching a female drummer and thought "hey, I can do that again." He wants to start a band with me, I'm down. Alex is cool as shit, plus everyone knows black people are inborn with the ability to play bass and drums.
On a higher note, my telecaster project--I'm building a guitar--is coming together. I ordered a handmade neck for it which should be coming in a few months(not a bad wait for handmade neck to my specs). I'll post pictures of that later.

raaaaaaaaaa

ephixius@aim.com — Tue, 18 Mar 2008 05:45:33 GMT

I decided I didn't want to remember that jam. It was fun... but a one time thing. Sorry, me. I'll post something else I did that day instead, later.

no bass

ephixius@aim.com — Mon, 17 Mar 2008 22:54:53 GMT

My laptop speakers take ALL the bass out of this... hurts my feelings when I play it back. This is how I spend my off time. I had a really good time with Nolan and Alex at the park yesterday. We saw amidables.

ekkk

ephixius@aim.com — Fri, 14 Mar 2008 23:09:03 GMT

Sometimes I get so anxious from the resentment you hold that I wish I would get hit by a fucking car. I go through everything you do minus the breastfeeding. I get stuck in the house too, by myself; just like you. I'm worried about how we're going to make it too, but I have faith. I worry about us, I fear for us... I don't see much hope for that; honestly. I think that's what you want to hear. I get too anxious to breathe sometimes, but at least I have a release. I wish you had that. I wish you had something that made you happy other than Nolan--don't get me wrong, it's great that Nolan makes us both so happy, but you need more. I feel like I'm in constant panic all the time right now, like I could faint or throw up without warning. You WILL go through school... I will make sure of that. If I have to work 80 hours a week, you'll go. You'll go before I do, and I don't expect you to stay after that. I just don't want to FEEL your resentment anymore. I would cut off my left/right nut to get this feeling off me.

Nolan's song

ephixius@aim.com — Tue, 11 Mar 2008 00:40:00 GMT

how I felt today

ephixius@aim.com — Tue, 11 Mar 2008 00:15:43 GMT

I'm holding Nolan, so decided to just update today with me playing some music... pretty much my mood.

bark

ephixius@aim.com — Sat, 08 Mar 2008 16:14:54 GMT

I do not want to work six hours tonight but I've got nothing else to do. I might even go in early tommorow and clean the store a little bit, it needs it. Alexis and I really should find a house to move into with some friends or something. I'm coming to hate apartments a little more everyday and this one is expensive.

Jesus was emo

ephixius@aim.com — Thu, 06 Mar 2008 04:35:59 GMT

I have to stop reading. Sometimes the more you know the worse.
WHY do/did you do that? I can't find any logic in it.
Why do you feel that way? and... twist things? People only twist things for personal gain. So, what's in it for you?
I ask myself... Why would I twist something to make my memory of you negative?
Answers come to mind, but I don't like them.... ommit.
A) No speaking.
B) Seem repulsed by me.
C) Eyes glued to the computer every second I'm here.
D) Half the time you won't respond when I talk to you... or even acknowledge I said anything.
E) Nothing cheers you up... and I try, you fucking KNOW I try. Rub your back, get you something to eat, buy you a plant that you can't kill. I always call after work to see if you need anything.
...nothing
I feel like you HATE me, downright loathe, despise. What I've read here only concretes this theory.
Goddamnit.
To top this off I feel like I'm competing with my best friend that lives all the fucking way in Starkville.
I hate that feeling, to trust your best friend... but not your lover.
You had that feeling for about 15 seconds one time and it drove you crazy.
Try nearing three years.
I'm sick of hearing my best friends name, I hate that... because I miss him so fucking much too.
It doesn't matter what you say, I'm not going to feel silly for feeling that way or awkward for bringing it up... because I don't ever say anything to you about it EVER and it's about time I did!!!!
But when I read questions that ask three most dependable/trusted/loved/etc whatever people in your life and he's always one of them... What do you expect from me? I get to read your words bashing me, most of which is either half truth or what seems to me... none at all.
I'm not even mad at you, you can't help but feel the way you feel--that applies to EVERYONE--but you can not throw it in my face, and then wonder why I'd be sad about it--Do we need a history lesson? It's not like I confront you about it, unless asked.... just leave me my right to be upset about it, who the fuck wouldn't?
Speaking of history lessons: (An actual analogy to remind you how less well you took a similar event)
I talked to Kt one day online... I even told you about it BEFORE I did it. You would have thought I gave you aids from your reaction. There's no way I could have told you everything I was going to say, and nothing we talked about was of anything more than of friendly nature.... not as explicit as one event that comes to mind with your handwriting literally all over it.
I know... you say it's not the same and it's really not... you're right. I dated her for a year.
BUT... I bet if we were to pick the severity of that incident compared to what occurred midway through our relationship with a little note I found... no one would agree that I have no reason to worry.
I'm not asking you to change... just explain some of this to me.
Why am I so horrible in your portayal of me? Why do you twist things to make me seem different in a very negative way? Don't get me wrong, I'm an asshole... one of the biggest assholes on the planet, but not to you. I live for you.
What reaction would you expect from this? What do you expect me to think?
It looks a lot like you're wanting approval from someone/anyone to leave....
It really does.
Why else would you do that? I can't think of ONE reason why you would paint me as this picture as you have... and then act so empowered everytime you get off of your computer. Say everything so matter of factly as if you suddenly don't value me or my opinion.
I'm so sorry I've ruined your life, that's how I feel.
I can't, for the life of me, understand this.
What more can I do than I'm already doing?
Yes, I do get aggrivated at times, I'd never say that I don't. Anyone would if their significant other acts as if they were in a comma during the entire time they were in the same room... and then find all of this.
It all makes sense in a fucked up sort of way.
Say what you want.... make me what you want to make me.
If you truly do it, as you said, just to vent.....

hell

ephixius@aim.com — Wed, 05 Mar 2008 21:47:12 GMT

You could at least give me the illusion that you want me around...
or wouldn't rather be with someone else.
Twisted facts and half truths.... you're an expert. I don't even feel like deffending myself anymore. If those who call me their friend believe any of the shit you say whole-heartedly..... then I don't claim them as friends.
You talk to them more than me.... and I LIVE with you.
If I repulse you so much, why are you with me?
Oh, oh... right.
Because when I'm almost gone/gone you suddenly want us again.
Fucking empty shell; a blank emotionless face......... all the time, spend hours in the same room with you and not receive a word.
Fuck it, I wish I was like you.