freeaerie

you are
the drug i can't release
from the syringe i'm squeezing
so tight i will shatter you
holding myself so tight
so up tight
self control but
breaking your vial
oozing between my fingers
warm and thick
turning my hand to lick it clean
sweet and sticky on my tongue
the buzzing in my ears
sucking glass out of my cuts
slight haze on the edge of my vision
my stomach is knotted
can hardly breathe
tilting my head back
mouthes open
our eyes meet
i struggle to clean the glass from the floor

I should be writing an essay, not writing on scribbld, but old habits die hard right? Miss you all so much so I'm hoping I'll be back around.

Apartment is going fabulously, no roomies so tis just me for now. I really should write this essay. I'll be around again later I'm sure.

Love.

At work in a meeting, killing time. Went to the dentist, yay for no more chipped teeth! Spent some time last night with Amanda watching the thunderstorm. It was lovely. That is essentially all.

EDIT
Also, FireFox3 came out today. I'm sorta excited. It's rather pretty. I'm a fan of the buttons meself. Nerds of the world rejoice in all that is Mozilla's greatness!

Nope, not dead, just bored out of my mind at work. Going to see Jen again today for the first time since March-ish. In about 15 minutes actually. Things here are just crazy, fucking crazy.

Started my first day at work for the summer today. It's been mad boring but it could always be worse. I'm just out of sorts right now I think. Things are just really odd right now for me and so I'm not entirely sure where I'm at. I moved home yesterday so that's a treat, and I'm not sure how I feel about that. Alyssa and I are supposed to play tennis this afternoon but I think it's going to rain.

Honestly, I'm just really not myself today, it's something between deja-vu and the twilight zone.

right now i'm looking for something i can't find
i'm wanting something i can't define
and i'm needing you to be here with me
so that i can't lost myself to this incredible void
i can see right over the edge and its scary
six feet down into that pit of nothingness
and i know there's a bottom
but i don't want to be the girl to prove it
and so i'm just standing here
just waiting for you to pull me back
grab my by the shoulders
shake this stupidity clouding my mind
somehow to make me see clearly again
maybe i can't ask you to do that
maybe i need to take my own step backwards
i'm just feeling dissociated with my body
and this hollow emptiness
i don't know how to change this
i don't know how to beat this

EYES.

look into the mirror
my own twelve year old eyes stare out
wondering why our new shoes didn't change things
why my flower has wilted and died
we're being swallowed up by this sea
when she thought i'd learned to swim
i thought i'd learned to swim
before i believed i knew everything
back before i didnt think i had changed
when in fact nothing has changed
those twelve year old eyes are still mine
we still cry the same tears
the sun still sets on the very same pages it did
im still reading the very same pages
wishing they meant something
wishing these words meant anything but what they do
that that little girl is still inside me
those eyes are still looking out from my mirror
and my the ones i thought i had earned are gone

LIPS.

I'm watching her lips move
but your words are coming out
her voice mumbles your words and entangles them in with her own
she's using your words and she's stolen your aura
she's wearing your glamour like a cheap suit
the pockets are turned inside out and i feel your humor everywhere
her blue eyes burn cold like yours
and i can't bring myself to search for you in them
for i fear perhaps you've drown
or i fear perhaps i'll drown
let her arms swallow me up
let her hands rescue me
for so long i've ignored falling into eyes
falling into like with someone else
i can't ignore you in her
i want to taste you in her
i find you in everything,
in every blink of my eyes you are present
like a virus i can't be rid of
my parasite living cohabitantly inside my heart
our symbiotic relationship of give and take
now you're gone from giving
and i'm searching for someone to take from
and she smells almost right
and she feels almost right
but her eyes are dull
those lips aren't yours
and i'm only saying your name to the darkness

SEA.

it seems strange
that only in the silence of my mind
can i softly hear your voice echoing through my memories
as if somehow I've preserved the past only as i remember it
rather than as it was
i tend to be selective like that by nature
remembering only what i will
willing only memories of your smile
and never of my tears
happy memories seem so shallow today
and remorse is vast, borderless and expansive
engulfing me in waves of the past
melancholy dripping into my eyes
nostalgia stinging my lips
while i blinked a storm was brewed
and from clouds of anxiety fell droplets of miscalculated lies
until a sea of them sank our matrimonial raft
or perhaps my raft and your battleship
for somehow my innate vulnerabilities are the only thing exploited
and instead of sinking,
lies burn my sail
and steal my oars
So i'm left with only the tattered remains of my white flag
and you hardly heard their angry cries
against the hull of your destroyer
you sail off into just another red yellow sunset
but this time i choose to swim for shore
remembering last time, you didn't come back

THE GOSPEL ACCORDING TO LOVERS.

And so she said unto the masses gathered
Great tidings, for amongst you stands a sinner
a hero
a saint and
a gardener.
From amongst you will come a great tragedy
and a great hope
For it is written that only through immeasurable suffering
will the truest heart prevail
and in the darkest hours of midnight
will you find the quietest peace.
From within your heart will grow a wild love.
It shall course through your veins
and bring you strength,
valor and a good appetite for the sin of the world.
The sinner shall fall,
succumb to desire and ridden with guilt.
The hero shall be emboldened with courage
but die before she is fulfilled.
The saint shall in her righteousness,
neglect divine potential and wither
And so it is that the gardener
shall tend them all as reality sets in
For they will never understand her care
and eventually will cause her death
In the end, only she will have loved.
The words of the Heart.

LEAVES.

leaves reflecting sunlight
reflecting afternoon sunlight
leaves wet with raindrops
cold falling raindrops
sunlight in August
there is no rain in August
November rains
spring rains around the corner
around Christmas
Valentine's
there is no sunlight in February
sun lights up her face
her face in shadow
casts shadows across the floor
lies across her pages
lies upon her lips
scars upon my heart
hear beats are empty
eyes are empty
eyes are full of tears
teardrops like raindrops
leaves wet with raindrops
no longer reflect sunlight

we're sitting three in her basement
playing video games until the screen cracks
and color radiation bursts into the room
slowly our cells begin to burn
slowly my heart begins to smoulder
and yet we're playing on
she's winning by ten points
but I'm up this game

right now the world has no color
sounds are muffled, muddled and mostly still
only my empty heartbeats are echoing inside my ears
and i just wish they would stop
because i can't hear myself think
until i realize i'm not thinking anything
i'm not thinking anymore
i'm not anymore

CHOCOLATE BUNNY.

it's two oclock in the morning right now
i just finished my book
im sitting here thinking about it
and i dont know what im feeling
i need you here to put your arms around me
i need you to tell me that choosing to live is bravest thing
i just need your arms to keep me strong
and the sound and feel of your breathing against my skin to remind me that im alive
i need you to remind me that im alive
inside i feel hollow almost as if i were an empty chocolate bunny
i feel like someone ate one of my ears off, and found out i was hollow after biting into me
it hurts, the hollowness hurts
like its radiating out of my soul but it never reaches my mind
my mind is completely blank
i always have a hundred things im thinking about
worrying about, trying to remember
right now all im focused on is you
because the emptiness is scaring me
i feel like if i let go of the breath im holding, this tidal wave of anguish will fill the hollow void in my body
maybe in my soul
i never believed that death was the answer
i always thought it was just the easy choice
because dying ends it all
but right now, this is death
death is a void of feelings, the good with the bad
right at this moment i feel nothing
im not quite sure i even feel existence
i dont feel alive, because life is optimistic
alive has hope
right now my soul has no hope
and i feel like maybe if u were here with me
if you held me tight enough
i might be able to feel your arms
and this hold on my heart might not be so crushing
and feeling might not hurt so badly
tears might not burn like they do
everynight i go to sleep with your ghostly arms around me
and i try to feel them
almost convincing myself i can some nights
and believing with all my heart that when i do feel them
somehow its all okay
that there still is feeling inside this emptiness
that these tears will someday fall from my eyes
and i can heal this pain
this pain i dont understand
that sometimes feels like the world's pain
because hurting for other people is what i do
maybe if i could hold all of their pain, mine wouldnt hurt so badly
but it still hurts from within
and i can't escape it
i cant bury it
i cant burn it
i cant even cry it away even though ive tried
i cant pretend it doesnt exist, that it doesnt hurt
i dont even know what it is
but it hurts
it hurts to breathe, it hurts to live, it hurts to exist
it hurts to be alone
even when im not alone
but most of all it hurts to need
it hurts to need to fill this void
it hurts to cry
it hurts to admit that sometimes i would choose to die
its scary
im scared to say that this is what i imagine death feels like
either you are completely and utterly alone
or there are people who care about and love you, but there is no way for them to be there
i dont want to die alone
i dont want to live alone
thats what im afraid of
im most afraid of dying without someone there
im more afraid of existing alone
im afraid of being unlovable
i dont want to be alone
come sleep with me
just breathe on my skin
and hold me tightly
and make me believe im alive
that i cant die alone