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[ November 30th, 2008 | 6:09pm ] |
I'm starting to fall apart again. I just freaked the fuck out and cried for the past two days. My eyes were so puffy this morning at work that they had me go home... Hah
My managers were so sweet about it, they made me sit down and relax and gave me a bowl of fruit and some toast. Then my other manager made me this concoction that was supposed to cure my "hangover" haha.
I just went home and cried some more. I don't know why I'm such a fucking wreck... I just feel so alone and depressed. God I hate feeling bad for myself, what the hell is wrong with me.
Maybe I just need to get the fuck over it and pull myself together b/c this is crazy.
I know the way I'm acting and the way I'm thinking is completely ridiculous. I feel like such an idiot for letting Alex back in my life, I knew it was the dumbest thing I could do. But I did it, I made the phone call and now I'm back to square one. It's not quite the same though, this time I feel like I'M the fucking idiot. Hah. You'd think I'd learn by now.... No matter how much I wanted to take your guys advice b/c I knew it was great fucking advice, it felt like something else was taking over my mind and making me do all this crazy shit.
I'm just so impatient and it's so hard to stay happy.
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[ November 27th, 2008 | 11:41am ] |
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When livins hard. Get stoned and listen to the Dark Side of the Moon album.
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| 25 days mhhhm. |
[ November 26th, 2008 | 9:13am ] |
I've been feeling really lonely lately and Weston won't hang out with me anymore because it is "too hard for him". Which sucks in more than one way, b/c he was really cool and b/c he was my supplier.... and I'm running out of weed. :'(
hah I don't want to chill with Jackie's friends and it seems like getting with this Josh guy is hopeless. Even though we have so much in common, for starters he's Jewish but not practicing, he looks local and listens to all the same reggae/roots bands as me... but he's Johnny's roommate and Johnny is a dick, so he loves to make things awkward for us. Jackie and him never leave us alone together. It seems like it's going no where. Anyways, I'm so used to meeting guys on my own terms and this is just too awkward... It could've been something awesome.
I decided to burn this CD that has all this African chanting music. I know, sounds gay but it's the sickest thing i've heard in a while. I named the CD "What do you mean, you people...?"
I love this rapper called Atmosphere, and Alex got to do a commercial for him, meet him and then go to his concert and is now going to do a music video for him. Fuck I miss Alex, and I haven't talked to him in a while.
He told me he wanted to be with me when I finally got over him. Then he told me he was moving here in 3 months. I really don't want to go backwards but I know something is going to happen if he really ends up moving here.
It's hard, I'm over him but it seems like there's nothing else. I have the most fun with him and all these people I'm meeting down here seem to be so into themselves. I want to go on adventures and no one else seems up for it. It just makes so much sense to be with him again. But then again, I think I fucked that all up by telling him that I wanted him to get over me... Which I do but he's really confusing, I don't think he knows what he wants and he changes his mind too frequently.
So when I come up there is anyone down for some camping or road trippin?
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[ November 21st, 2008 | 6:15pm ] |
I was hanging out with Jackie and her friends, and I was alone with each of them for a little bit and all they did was talk shit, about each other. And about people walking by. Her friend Jess is laid-back, and she would smoke weed and do drugs if her mom didn't catch her, she has to pee in a cup and take a breathalyzer test when she gets home every night. She told me how much shit Jackie talks about me behind my back. She whips out a cigarette telling me she has to keep it from her friends b/c they look down on her and talk shit. I can relate with her. I smoke weed everyday and Jackie has no clue.
While hanging out with her group of friends, all they did was talk shit so I turned on my iPod, listened to Bob Marley and tried to tune them out. They told me I was anti-social and Jackie started being a bitch to me in front of her friends. All I did was smirk and say, uh huh...
I don't know how long I can deal with this shit anymore. I just want to fucking smack them. What's horrible about it is that they think that everything they do and think and say is all right. I just can't stop thinking about how horrible of people they actually are, and they don't even know it.
So I was pretty stressed out about it today because whenever she talks to me and is just straight up fake to my face, I know that anything I say that she doesn't agree with is going to turn into a shit talking conversation with her friends.
Right after math class I smoked a bowl in the school parking lot and listened to Bob Marley, never wanting to go home.
I miss Alex now, just b/c he was so chill. I just miss hanging out with him and talking to him, he really understands and he might be moving here in 3 months. By then things with us should be way better. So I might be saved... but in the mean time I can't even think about that. I just want to get through living with this dumb bitch.
There is really no other option, I am moving next year. And apparently Jackie was talking shit about me wanting to move and she was really pissed at me... I was completely unaware that she even knew.
God this thing is amazing when it comes to venting. hah It's a load off, and now I'm going to try and get out of the house to smoke a bowl real fast. Hopefully Jackie leaves to go hang out with her boyfriend.
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[ November 13th, 2008 | 10:23pm ] |
This is amazing.
Ever since I stopped talking to him things have been so much better. He didn't care for a couple days, now he's calling me non-stop. I don't give a fuck about answering, I just don't want to let him back in my life... B/c it's so fucking good without him! It's different, and I feel like I'm different. I don't feel any desire to check up on him, or know what he's doing. He's gone, and I'm so happy that it's finally over.
I stopped thinking that there was something wrong with me. It's him and his fucked up mind. He's a fucking idiot. I mean I still think about him all the time, but it doesn't drive me crazy like it used too.
So now I'm just focused on living life. I'm not tied down to any guy anymore, and I'm not going to be for a very long time.
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[ November 10th, 2008 | 9:30pm ] |
So everything is pretty good.
Alex kinda fucked me over again. Told me he loved me then ignored me for 5 days straight. Stayed in California longer then he was supposed to and lied about it. Ignored all my phone calls. He went to visit the girl that he hooked up with before. Calls me when he gets back to Kona and says "I really meant it, you can't just write me out of your life." Thank fucking god that I'm finally done with that shit.
I told him I really do wish the best for him, and where he's going is somewhere that he doesn't want to be. I told him I loved him before b/c he was weird and different and now he's just a typical fucking guy that just wants to have a good time.
I told him that he let go of the one girl that would've stood by him through everything, and now he's just going to get girls that like him b/c he's famous in the Islands. Girls that he'll meet in clubs and bars that are so fucking fake and not worth it.
I can tell he's already regretting doing that to me, and it's nice knowing that. Haven't talked to him since then and it's easy as fuck. I'm hanging out with Weston again, strictly friends.. B/c relationships fucking blow.
Met this other guy named Josh that loves all the same Reggae bands as me, he has the Hawaiian Islands all over his dorm and all these Islands stickers on his skateboard... hah I'm gonna see where that goes. He seems pretty chill but in a way he kinda reminds me of my brother so I'm going to have to get around that..
Getting my ticket to Oregon for the 20th to the 30th. I think.
( When livins easy. )
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[ November 3rd, 2008 | 9:05pm ] |
It's weird.
This summer I hit an all time low... I thought I knew who I was and what was going on but I guess I didn't, because now everything is different and I finally feel like myself again.
I'm starting to feel a little bit of the Alex visit aftermath. But the difference is now, I know how to deal with it.
Whenever I start to feel lonely or sad, I paint. It takes my mind off of reality for a little bit, then afterward I feel insanely better, but I'm running out of canvas.
I've been drinking a lot lately... and I'm running out of alcohol.. and I don't know who can buy me more... :( If Jackie finds out that I get drunk alone when she's not around she'll give me this huge talk about alcoholism. Then tell all her friends and talk shit for hours about me.
God she pisses me off, I wish I could just straight up tell her off. She's a rude, demanding, know-it-all, ignorant bitch. I've done so much for her and she doesn't appreciate it at all. She just loves to argue, and I don't.
We went to go work out and all she did was talk shit about 3 different girls. I was about to shoot myself in the head, especially when she said, "I hate this girl so much! All she does is talk shit and gossip.."
Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh................................................................................................I almost died.
It's really funny she's actually talking to me right now and all I'm saying is "Uh huh..." and she just got in an argument with me about how I'm dumb for not wanting to go to UCLA... and I was barely even responding to her. Hah I think she just gets pissed when I don't give her attention. :)
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[ October 29th, 2008 | 10:21pm ] |
Aaand he's gone.
So some honest realizations that I'm embarrassed to admit...
I do love him, and I think that we're meant for each other...
But I know it's not going to work out, and I'm completely content as friends. (Yeah I'm pretty damn fickle)
These last 5 days were pretttty amazing. I felt like myself again. I also noticed how much I was starting to change, not in a good way. And how much I started picking up from Jackie...
About Jackie, she found out I smoked weed and this was our exact conversation:
Jackie: Come here for a minute.
Jackie: Don't smoke that shit in our apartment again.
Megan: OH don't worry I smoked outside.
Jackie: No seriously, don't bring that shit around here.
I text her later saying: Don't worry about it I bought a pipe that makes it not smell like weed so it's all good. (I Lied)
Jackie: Well it's not only that, you're a dumbass when you smoke and you can't handle it. I thought you grew out of that, you're not yourself anymore and it really sucks.
I was pretty stoned and it felt like a drug commercial. Like the ones with the melted people on the couch, and the friend is next to them saying... "She's not the same when she's high... I want my friend back."
So I'm over this negative vibe shit that she spreads everywhere. FUCK THE OC.
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[ October 26th, 2008 | 1:57pm ] |
Alex is here... It's definitely not the same as it used to be.
I feel like I went through way too much shit to get over him. I swear I went insane for a little bit...
But the good thing about that is that I made myself repel every single feeling of love, devotion and attraction that I had for him.
I think we'd be really good as friends, and since I've already made the decision that I'm not going to get back with him anytime soon, it helps me just stick to the good vibes and forget about everything else. I just wish he'd make up his mind b/c now he's acting as if we're still together... He calls me his girlfriend again, and we still hook up. For me it's more like closure, and I'll be fine when he leaves. But if he's not in the same mindset as me there's gonna be issues.
My stubborn ass has made up it's mind, and it's not changing.
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[ October 22nd, 2008 | 10:31am ] |
I'm so happy that I've decided to not give a fuck about how other people make me feel, It's my life and I'm going to live it.
FUCK EVERYTHING! =)
YAY
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[ October 16th, 2008 | 5:20am ] |
So I met this guy... Hah his name is Weston.
You guys are going to laugh when I describe him...
He is skinny and lengthy like Gardy, but has a sick style.
Loves comic books, but is embarrassed about it so he never talks about it.
Loves classic rock, so we listen to Cream, The Rolling Stones, Creedence, etc... together.
All we do is smoke weed.
He's way cool, doesn't even seem like he's from here... He's one of those guys that aren't necessarily attractive at first, and than you get to know them and his chillness and coolness makes him insanely attractive.
He's hilarious... and there's only a 3 year age difference. I like him a lot.
So Jackie looks him up on myspace and starts judging the fuck out of me... And now whenever I hang out with him I feel like shit b/c I leave with Jackie and her friends almost laughing in my face about who I'm going to go hang out with.
He's the chillest person I've met so far, garenteed. So why should I care what they think? Seriously... OC girls are lame as fuck and I'm glad that they're all enclosed in this small area, it's where they belong.
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