pardon jaime, soon to be changed... possibly. but how about you say hello

2008-02-19T02:27:46Z

Mistakes are meant to happen because we learn from them. People live their life with regrets, but you can't do that. Everything happens for a reason, we learn from our past. Every time something goes wrong, in the end you manage to come out of it a changed person. A different person, and surviving these hardships only make you stronger. At least that is the way I look at it. There's no better way to look at it honestly. Life is not meant to be easy, and if you sit there and complain and dwell on everything, what's the point of even living? Where is this going, this is already my second time trying to write this and I hate the way it's starting out. I am a rambling mess, I am not an open person and usually I keep my thoughts and my memories to myself. I am a model as well as an actress and I love being in the spotlight, the center of attention but not when it comes to things close to home, close to my heart. When it comes to those things, even the people closest to me get a glimpse at a time until I finally decide to let it all out. Until I finally decide to show them who I really am, what I am really about. A lot of things are said about me, some true and some not. People either things I am a bad person for all of it, or maybe I would hope they look at me as if I am a human who makes mistakes. I left home at an early age and got home schooled for the last three years of my high school experience. Going back and forth from Omaha to New York was always tough for me, but I had to do it in order to get my foot into the door. That's what it was all about, getting started. I got myself started, and my mother did all of the traveling with me. . But it was tough. I didn't get to be a normal kid, it felt like every day I aged a year instead of going through the normal aging process. I didn't get a high school prom, I didn't get to pass notes and leave them in the lockers of all my friends, I didn't get to go to the high school football games, or cheer for them on the field, I didn't get to act on stage for the ridiculous plays your school puts on, I didn't get to spend all the time in the world with my family, get ground or throw parties when my parents went away for the weekend. Instead, I had a career and I went to modeling school, tried to keep up with the home school as well as go to the shoots I need to go to and be in the places I needed to be in. I got so tired of it all, the early mornings, the long days, the hours of getting ready for a simple ten minutes of the spotlight. I wanted my life back, I wanted to goof off, I wanted to sleep my days away, I wanted to spend time with my friends. . I even wanted to go back to school and deal with the problems of normal kids, and their normal family lives. I started slacking off, I started missing my photo shoots, not going to things on time, waking up a little late. In general I was messing up and with that I realized it was time to start having a normal life. I took my mother on a vacation and we went back home to Nebraska where I got all of that back. But, after awhile it got tiring after awhile, and I missed it. I missed the hectic schedule, I missed actually having my career. I guess you can say I was never pleased. But how could I be when the summer was over, my friends were back at school and I was bored all day. It all got tiring. I wasn't the same girl I was before, I had changed and grown up. I had my chance, and my chance wouldn't be there forever. . I had to go and live my life, continue my career, because the chance would otherwise pass me up and it very well could have already but I had been lucky.

When I got back into things, my mother moved with me to New York. My parents were already divorced, and everything had changed. My mother and father, still remained friends which was a good thing, but they were no longer together. My older sister and my little brother took it all a big harder than I did, but I really didn't have a chance to deal with it all. I was always doing something, I was always busy and now I was in the spotlight in the greatest city in the world. It was so easy to get pulled into it all. Everything was great, I loved how quickly paced it all was, I loved the opportunities I had whether it came to work, or outside of work. The nightlife in New York was not meant for a girl my age but it was easy to slip into it, and nobody stopped you! Nobody cared if you weren't even eighteen yet but you looked older, and with the way my make up was done, and the fact that I developed at an early age. . nobody could tell that I wasn't a day older than sixteen. Opportunities came around, opportunities that initially any person with a level head would have said no to. But isn't it so much easier to give into the pressure instead of denying it? I still remember how easy it was to say yes that first time I was offered. I still remember exactly what the high felt like, and you would think you would remember these things. I could swear I could feel it running through my veins, and I knew I was hurting myself but I didn't care. How I got into it, I don't even really know. I was never a stupid girl, I was always smart but I was always the one who would get into trouble. From the very beginning, I wasn't like everybody else and I was willing to try just about anything. The parties were amazing, it was nothing like what I had back at home. Back at home, it was a few peoples, some alcohol and the usual normal things. But in the city, you had everything. You had things you couldn't even imagine and with the heat of the moment, how could you really say no? No matter how bad you know something is, no matter how good it feels at the time and how sick you get afterwards. I dated around, I had one man I was extremely close to. We had a mutual addiction, and one day without a blink of an eye he was gone. Out of my life, he died from an overdose. Did I love him? I don't really know, a lot of my time had been spent in a fog, on a high and I don't really know if you could really be in love in that state of mind. I still think about him every day, wonder what would have happened if I could have slipped out of all that and actually helped him instead of doing it myself and making it seem right for him to do it more. But I was just a kid still technically, he was the adult out of us two and I didn't know how to. At that time, I was missing shoots, or going to them high and the thing is. You make think you are being as discreet as possible, but the truth is it is obvious that you're on something. There is really no way to hide it. Ordinarily, I am always a bit spacy. Even when I was sober, time and time again, I would be caught daydreaming when I was supposed to be doing something else or just off in my little corner. As soon as someone would notice, I would manage to snap myself out of it and give them my full attention, but that's not the same as you would look. . Your reflexes change, you get moody and irritable, you can see anything in the eyes. But after David passed, I stopped all of it. I couldn't keep it going, knowing that if I kept it up. . the following day it could be me. It took such a drastic thing to happen for me to get back on track and realize what was going on. It was a scary and one of the hardest times in my life. But in the end, it only made me that much stronger. No I can't handle everything, but with time and help it could happen and it did. At first very few believed that I cleaned up my act and within time I was able to prove it. Even to this day I couldn't even imagine thinking of heading down the path I head down years ago. I messed up a great deal, but I managed to pull myself from the tough place I had found myself in. I wouldn't have been able to do it without those close to me. Even to this day, I really don't touch alcohol too often after how much I used to abuse it. I was seventeen years old and I could have been considered an alcoholic, ridiculous don't you think? But all of those hard times, instead of dwelling and whining about it. . I realize that I am stronger because of all of it. A life should not have been lost, and every day I push myself and see how crazy things had gotten and remind myself I never want to be in that dark place I was again.

I was talking to somebody the other day. The conversation came up about the simple question " What if?" I absolutely hate that question because I used to always ask myself. What would have happened if I chose to stay a child instead of growing up the way I did? Would things have worked out differently? What kind of woman would I be today? Would I still have managed to work myself into a career? Would my life had taken a completely different path? Would I have the same friends I have now and have had in the path? Would I have encounter the same loves and romances. The truth is, if you would want to change one little thing. . that one little thing could change the course of your entire life. Everything could change, I could be living in Omaha right now with my family and friends that I had in school. . I could be working a minimum wage job and have nothing going for me in that sense. Would I be happy? I don't even know because the question " What if " has a ton of different possibilities but you will never get a definite answer. There is no way you could, so why ask the question? I was even wondering the question with a recent event that had occurred in my life. Wondering what would have happened if it all came about a few years earlier when I guess you can say it all started? But the truth is, it could change everything that happened now. I wouldn't change it for the world because it's got a crazy smile planted on my face here these past few days. You would think I was ridiculous and goofy but it's the truth.

I'm scared of a lot of things, every morning I wake up and put on a brave face but I sometimes wonder if I will ever turn around and find myself falling down a path like that again. But I've become a changed person, a different person and even now... I have been through a lot. Hell I've grown up to the point that I almost swallowed all my fears and walked down the aisle with kyle but the truth is, him and I were more on the level of friends. He's my best friend and in many ways he's one of the only people I can trust but as the man I am going to spend the rest of my life with? He wasn't that and I wasn't that for him. All the rumors that went around, it was amusing. We had everything done though, up to the actual wedding, but it worked out for the best. I'm focused on my work, I am focused on my life and I am focused on my friends as best as I can be. They are the most important people in my life. You can't go anywhere without your friends, and by friends I mean the true friends. The friends who pick you up when you're down and the friends who will be there for you through anything. Not the friends who will only be there for you when you're doing the in thing or when you are doing the things that you really when it comes down to it shouldn't be doing. I had so many friends that I couldn't even count, and now I could probably count the people that I trust on my hands and that's okay with me. That's the way I like it and that's the way it should be. I know who to turn to, and that is one of the best feelings in the world.

jaime @ 2008-01-28T20:41:00

2008-01-29T01:43:28Z

then whispers turn to shouting, shouting turns to tears. your tears turn into laughter and it takes away our fears.