| [ |
mood |
| |
 stressed |
] |
** I want the end result of it to be positive so don't take this to heart in a negative way if you choose to read snippets of this post.
It took me a day or two, but I managed to clear my mind to actually think this whole thing over.
I've seen the good and bad in people. I know people in the past that has done me wrong, and perhaps on various occasions spoke behind my back while telling me sweet nothings to my face. I've voiced this whole thing in my live journal not too long ago, because I know it's only in human nature that someone or another would do it. If not to day, perhaps in the future or past. I'm not really the best person to hang around because there are times when I seem pretty immature or 'creepy.' There are even some occasions when I thought friends could trust me, but that whole logic was flipped at least once at a 360 degree angle just to be turned back around by a little bit. Face it, you can't completely trust me and I can't completely trust you. There are only a few decent individuals who I can trust and one of those "few" is someone I am currently living with.
I might have bottled up hate inside of me, but I admit I released it over the past couple of days. I've said and expressed the things I've kept inside for seems like an eternity. There is the side of me that isn't a heartless bitch that makes me almost feel sorry for saying those things just because maybe I did pick sides. Even though ![[info]](http://www.scribbld.net/img/userinfo.gif) loutaylorpucci has brought up something negative, it didn't completely make it right to go all out and bash her either. Granted I have been feeling miserable in the past because of her, but everything I'm contributing now wont make anything better if I continue on that path. It doesn't help when a little devil at the back of my skull is egging me on just so I can feel a little bit "better." I realize it now that it doesn't by causing problems. I guess the only thing now that will give me a little peace of mind is wondering if loutaylorpucci and kiokushitaka would take a moment and put their differences besides them. People do change, you know. I have already forgiven kiokushitaka for being one of the main pieces that didn't trust me enough, but later apologized to me. I know how she works between her ups and downs, but she's still one of my best friends. That was the only main issue that I had with her, and I'm pretty sure she might have spoken about me behind my back at least once during the 'friendship hiatus/days of not seeing eye to eye.' But it's something I really don't care too much about because it was either we could settle our differences or I could have gone the rest of my life not even bothering to know what her face looked like anymore. But ... I'm glad that we managed to salvage some kind of relationship and build upon that.
I guess it's obvious maybe some day in the past kiokushitaka and loutaylorpucci could have rubbed each other the wrong way. One person could have wronged the other and visa versa. But I feel the negativity could have been brought up into light in a civilized manner other than being in the form of a flame. One form of hate only fuels another form which continues to build up until what? Total destruction of something. Maybe it's unbearable to know each other or just the negative things that have happened between you two but I think it would be best to leave the past in the past for now on and move on. I mean, come on, look at me .. for the things I've had to go through because of both of you that one time I really can't say I have much hate when perhaps I should be a little bit bitter for having my heart torn out and treated like nothing. But that's something I can't bring myself to do anymore. My life isn't focused on hating people unless they really deserve it (like those protesters in Atlanta that were carrying around the signs with dead babies on them.)
Come up with some kind of treaty. Work something out for the sake of your friends on Scribbld. Be a better person. You might not be fond of the whole idea, but it will save you headache in later days/weeks/months/years. It's something I had to do, and I'm sure you guys will be able to do the same easily.
I also would like to retract my flame for next week. I've already said and done enough in the comments of this week. Maybe if there is a day or time where I really need to FlameCup or BitchBook someone - I will. The wrath of which will be felt, but I really would like to trash my flame for next week if possible just to put something behind me. The only things of the past that should surface are the good times. Besides, if something is repaired because of my small efforts between kiokushitaka and loutaylorpucci than I should go ahead and do the same and not be a hypocrite, right? I know there will still not be a lot of trust between the two for maybe a long time, but still... something is better than nothing at all. If not? Stop paying attention to each other all together and remain being "nobodies." Forgive and/or forget. The best thing that could possibly be said at a time like this.
Sorry, I had to get this out of my system much like everything else.
|
bouncy
sad
accomplished