Inside My Mind

A note:

sendrileswench@gmail.com — Thu, 31 Jul 2008 06:43:42 GMT

Dearest, darlingest, Russell T. Davies:

You sir, are a whore. A horrible, horrible, man-whore of a writer.

I salute you.

Whore.

Love,

Me

P.S. BRING BACK MY DOCTOR! NAO!!!!!!!!!

(kisses!)

P.P.S. NICE touch on the shiny hula hoop of DOOM! :D

P.P.P.S. As a rabid fangirl, THANK YOU for the nakkies. 'Nough said.

A small update to prove I'm alive.

sendrileswench@gmail.com — Thu, 10 Apr 2008 19:29:17 GMT

So this past faire weekend was good. I was less stressed about faire than I usually am, though I was still stressing A LOT about my lack of work and what I'm going to do.

I'm still trying to find a job, and so far no success. It's really causing my depression to bear down on me, and every day it gets a little harder to get out of bed in the morning, and once I do it's a little harder not to spend the better part of the day in tears.

Taylor has been even more wonderful than ever though, and every time I see him or talk to him he always manages to say or do just the right thing to push the depression away and make me feel happy. Even if he doesn't necessarily know I'm in a bad place yet, he always manages to help me more than anything.

This weekend is going to be good for me I think. Being at faire always makes me feel better and helps me work through pieces of my depression. It's some of the best therapy I could ask for. Of course, it does help that Taylor will be there the whole time, and having him nearby always helps.

Of course, all of this wonderfulness goes out the window whenever I'm home. For example, right now as I am trying to write up this entry, Aaron (my step-cousin) woke up, walked into the room, and started talking to me in the middle of a conversation he was previously having with someone else. No, "good morning" or "hi". Just "So this chick I was talking to last night...". And the whole time I am giving noncommittal responses and starting at my computer screen and trying to politely get the message across that I'm busy, but no. He insists on talking and chatting at me until he has to go shower.

It's really hard to quietly work through your own problems and frustrations when someone won't shut up and leave you alone. Thus making it harder for you to not take out your own frustrations on said person. UGH.

BLAUGH!

sendrileswench@gmail.com — Mon, 24 Mar 2008 21:11:50 GMT

So, I haven't really had internet access for the last week and a half now. UGH.

Updates to come as soon as I catch up with everything and/or get a reliable connection.

Again, UGH!

So much I want to say...

sendrileswench@gmail.com — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 06:32:14 GMT

...and yet the depression always manages to sap my drive to write it down.

I've been in Ventura since Friday, and will remain here until at least this coming Friday. Taylor's grandparents left on Monday for a mini-vacation and asked me to house sit while they're away. It has been interesting and wonderful to get to see Taylor every day, and I know it's going to make it that much harder for me to go home at the end of the week.

I still have no job, and no prospects. I don't know what to do.

I'm so afraid that I won't find a job before my money runs out.

I don't know what I'm going to do.

I'm so worried.

I really need help with this, but I don't know of anyone that can help.

Fuck.

Mini Rant and Rave

sendrileswench@gmail.com — Wed, 12 Mar 2008 06:31:41 GMT

So today sucked.

Last night my mother and I had a talk which triggered me into yet another depressed down-spiral, and I did my best to fight it all night until I finally went to bed.

Today I woke up and attempted to continue to fight, but it seemed like no matter what I did nothing went right. I tried to make a skirt to take my mind off things, and wound up fucking it up and missing pieces.

I couldn't make food properly. I couldn't find anything interested on TV. I banged my head and hands and knees on things. I nearly burnt a finger ironing. And worst of all, I snapped at Taylor a few times. He was doing his very best to help me feel better, and I snapped at him a few times before he was able to make me begin to feel a little bit better and less freaked out.

So what does he do? He just goes on talking to me and doing his best to make me smile and laugh, and continued to help me work through all the irrational crap the depression was trying to feed me. He continued to be patient and wonderful and helpful and probably doesn't even know how much just talking to me on the phone and online helped me today.

I don't deserve him. I really don't. I'll fight like hell to keep him though, because I love him madly and can't believe how damn lucky I am to have been gifted with someone like him.

I just wish I could figure out some way to return the favor. I feel like he constantly has to give and give and give lately because I'm fighting just to keep myself from falling apart, and I hate that I can't offer him all that much in return.

It also doesn't help that it's that time of the month for me right now and therefore my emotions are all over the place in general. Stupid ovaries.

But regardless, he's wonderful, and I just hope that I'm able to make him as happy as he makes me each and every single day.

Kinda depressed...

sendrileswench@gmail.com — Tue, 11 Mar 2008 05:43:33 GMT

Three things:

1. Not having a job for this long is officially scaring the crap out of me. I don't know what I'm going to do.

2. It feels like I am constantly taking one step forward and two steps back, both in terms of this job hunt and my depression.

3. Not having the people you care most about nearby to give you a hug or just sit and talk about nonsense for a while is retarded. And depressing.

Well crap.

sendrileswench@gmail.com — Mon, 03 Mar 2008 21:07:20 GMT

So yesterday, about halfway through the day, my cell phone decided it wasn't going to allow me to hear anything through the normal ear-piece anymore. Which means that every time I make or receive a call, I can't hear if it rings on the other end, or if I answer I can't hear anyone on the other end of the phone. The only way I'm able to hear anything, is if I either use a headset, or switch it to speaker-phone. And when it's on speaker-phone it squeals and hisses the entire time.

I called tech support this morning, and we went through a bunch of steps, involving me finding a PC to download and save all of my photos and videos and data on, before performing a factory reset. Unfortunately I've lost my ringtones that I downloaded, but at least we were able to save the photos and address book. After the tech had me do the factory reset, it still didn't work. So now they are shipping me a new Ocean (as soon as they have one in stock, UGH!), which I will get hopefully by new WEEK at the latest.

Which means I currently have a cell phone that I can't really use as a cell phone for a week, while I wait for a new (hopefully) working model to arrive in the mail.

So yeah, if you call my cell and I don't answer, please leave me a message and I'll call you back from my home phone.

In the meantime, I'm going to try and find a use for this piece of crap called a phone that I've got to deal with for the next week.

UGH.

Little Things

sendrileswench@gmail.com — Fri, 15 Feb 2008 21:30:07 GMT

I have to admit, that yesterday was the best Valentine's Day I'd had in a long time.

We didn't go out; there were no fancy dinners or roses or fancy clothes. I didn't even get to see him in person. I only got to hear the sound of his voice for a while.

But there's nothing like knowing that you love someone, and being secure in the knowledge that they love you back.

It's the little things that make the biggest difference.

People are retarded.

sendrileswench@gmail.com — Tue, 12 Feb 2008 21:29:54 GMT

I don't suppose anyone knows who the AIM user "KindlySalmon" is? If you do, please let me know as I'd love to know what the fuck this was about:

"1:02 PM kindlysalmon: Hi.
1:03 PM me: Hi, who is this?
1:03 PM kindlysalmon: hello
I am Aragorn
1:03 PM me: Oookay.
1:04 PM kindlysalmon: who r u?
1:04 PM me: Shouldn't you know who I am if you're the one IMing me?
1:05 PM kindlysalmon: u IMed me
1:07 PM me: No. I received a notification stating that "KindlySalmon" was attempting to send me a message, and received an IM that said "hi". I'm sorry if there was a glitch or something, but I didn't IM you, as I do not usually send messages to screen names I've never heard of before.
1:08 PM kindlysalmon: :P
1:10 PM me: So anyway, nice talking to you "Aragorn", but I'm going to block you now to be sure this doesn't happen again."

In conclusion, people are retarded.

Ugh.

sendrileswench@gmail.com — Tue, 12 Feb 2008 21:01:44 GMT

It's gotten to the point that I even resent having to talk to customers now. It's not that they've done anything to me, or are even particularly horrid to me. It's just that dealing with customers means I have to do actual work, and I am so against doing anything that even remotely resembles my job at this point it's not even funny. I can't stand this place. I wish she'd freaked and revoked my offer of two weeks outright instead of being sweet and accepting it.

Still, I'll need the money in case I don't find work immediately following my last day here, which is why I'm doing my best to force myself to suffer through it. Also it would be good to leave on good footing with the company in general. Though I have been promised an excellent review from one of my co-workers, regardless of what my boss is willing to do. So it's good that I have that to count on.

In other news, I have realized I am mildly disappointed in the upcoming holiday on Thursday. This will be the first Valentine's/Singles Awareness Day since my freshman year of high school that I've actually had a SO for, and because of the distance it's not really feasible for us to do anything. Which is why I haven't even bothered to mention it to him. While I would definitely be willing to get off work in time to drive up there to see him for a few hours, I know he (1) usually has poetry night on Thursdays, and (2) feels bad enough that I spend the amount of gas I do just to see him (TOTALLY WORTH IT!). Also, V-Day is (at least in my mind) a very girly holiday, and therefore has the innate ability to somehow bring out all of my girlish tendencies, and turns me into a wuss who feels rather silly whenever she thinks about broaching the subject of doing anything for the holiday with her boyfriend (even if it could potentially create an excuse to wear those AMAZING shoes he seems to like so much).

On the upside though, my boyfriend is amazing and doesn't need to do anything special on a holiday largely dictated by Hallmark in order to make me happy. He makes me happy just by being him.

ANYway, all girly-ness and work related strife aside, there is not much new on my end. Today I plan to leave work at 6pm come hell or high water, and when I get home I've got a few bills to pay. Ooo, exciting. Though at least once I wade through the bills I've got a good book waiting for me. AND Will Wright announced the release date for Spore today, which makes me immensely excited. I am seriously considering trying to take a week off based on the release date for that game just so I can play it. I've been waiting on this one for 2+ years now and it's FINALLY going to get put on the shelves this September.

Now all I need is a way to make this week fly by so that the weekend can be here sooner. Oh well.

The Job Saga Continues

sendrileswench@gmail.com — Mon, 11 Feb 2008 20:11:23 GMT

So on Thursday of last week I officially quit my job. My boss came into the office late in the afternoon, and I handed her my letter of resignation. My last day here will be on the 22nd, unless I can find a job before then. In which case I will simply tell them I was offered a position with another company and I will not be coming back other than to drop off my keys and pick up my final check. I am really hoping that I find something within the next two weeks so that I can do that, because I would love to feel like I am finally getting to leave this hell hole.

On Friday, I drove out to Thousand Oaks ass-early in the morning and had an interview with AppleOne Employment. They are a headhunting agency and I feel confident that they will find me employment quickly. Their representative that has been assigned to me even helped me rework my resume to make it more likely for someone to hire me, and told me that I really should be asking for more money. Which confirms my belief that I am getting grossly underpaid at my current job. I currently make $14/hour, which is what I am asking for in terms of salary from another position, and my representative told me that I should be asking in the $27-$35/hour range. Which would be AMAZING. He also mentioned that he has a couple jobs available right now that I might be able to get as soon as Tuesday of this week if he can get me an interview. So hopefully he'll give me a call today with more information on that.

I also had to take some assessment tests at home for the positions he wants me to apply for, which I was able to take from home Sunday night. I did very poorly on the two Excel tests, and utterly failed the 10 Key test because of misinformation on the webpage and the way my computer was acting up. I was told in my interview that I could retake them whenever I wanted if I wasn't satisfied with my scores, but the website where I take them at isn't letting me redo them at all. So I am going to email and call my rep. today and have him unlock them or something so that I can redo the ones I failed.

In other news, the rest of my weekend went well. I spent it with Taylor as usual and got to relax a bit with him, which greatly helped my stress levels. He even sat with me while I did my assessment testing, and honestly if he hadn't been there I would've just quit the tests on the spot and failed all of them without even bothering to try because I was so frustrated with how slow the computer was being and how that was affecting my test scores, not to mention how the instructions for each question were sometimes worded oddly enough to confuse me and make me not understand how to accomplish what they wanted. But having him there helped a great deal, and he's wonderful for putting up with me while I was stressed out. I just wish I could think of a good way to let him know how important he is to me and how much I appreciate everything he's done for me. Other than just telling him, which I do my best to do.

And now I'm sitting here at my desk at work, one day closer to never having to be here ever again. My boss just walked in the door which means that today is going to be interesting, to say the least. She doesn't usually bother to work out of the office, and I admit I prefer it that way. So the fact that she's here means today will be stressful and long for me, and I only hope that I can get through it okay.

Here's hoping today goes well.

Dear Boss,

sendrileswench@gmail.com — Thu, 07 Feb 2008 20:50:28 GMT

As a person, you are quite nice. Had I met you outside of a supervisor-employee setting, we would have gotten along decently.

But as a boss, you are terrible, and I personally cannot wait to leave your presence. I have only ever worked a job where I felt so under-appreciated once before, and that was when I worked at K-Mart. At least at K-Mart I knew it was a general under-appreciation of all employees, instead of feeling as though you had a personal vendetta or hatred for me.

I can't stand to work in this office. I hate having to be here every day and every time you open your mouth to bitch at me for something that I've A) already done, B) wasn't aware you wanted me to do, C) did differently (the way you initially asked for it) which is now apparently not good enough, or D) just to tell me how much I suck in general, I have to fight back the urge to scream at you. Or punch you in the face. Or both.

I have gone home from work every night this week and spent at least part (if not all) of my drive home crying because I've once again allowed you to make me feel less than worthless for another day. You and this job have literally been making me sick, and I just cannot bring myself to take it anymore.

Today is the Lunar New Year, and as you and your family are Vietnamese and VERY superstitious, this is a major holiday for you. And while I myself am pagan and this is technically a holiday of sorts for me as well, my beliefs and religious practices are much more subdued when at work, and do not influence my professionalism in any way. The fact that you told me to wear red today to honor the new year would not have been as much of an issue with me, had you bothered to mention it last night or even earlier this morning. Instead, you told me to wear red when I had already been sitting in traffic on my way to work for half an hour.

So no, I did not turn around, and I am not wearing red. I will not go home and change should you ask, and while I did not initially realize that black and white are "bad luck colors" to be wearing today, I must admit that there is a tiny part of me that is glad for it.

Because you see, the moment you get in to the office today, I will ask to speak with you. I will be polite, professional, and collected. And I will tell you in a very calm voice that I am quitting. I will even be nice enough to feign sadness at this decision, and act as though I will deeply miss being here. If your reaction is to be sad and upset, then I may even concoct some story about moving to Ventura or Ojai to soften the blow. If your reaction is to get angry at me however, I will tell you the honest truth. That YOU and you alone have solely driven me back into therapy, and caused no less than 3 panic attacks in the space of one week. I doubt you will understand what all of this means, as your only stress on a daily basis is whether or not you look good wearing your designer outfits with your $1,000+ accessories. You who has most likely never needed to work a real job other than "acting" or "modeling" a day in her life, and who only runs the catering division as a favor to her family.

In short, I am done. I am fed up, and I can take no more. So please, dear boss, come in to the office today. Come to work wearing your red outfit for good luck this lunar new year. Come happily from your friend's new year party, fresh from hob-nobbing with aristocrats. Come with a smile on your face.

Because I honestly cannot wait to deliver the news that you have driven away yet another personal assistant.

Your "Dutiful" Employee,

Liz

P.S. You won't notice, because you don't even know how to work the printer, but that resignation letter I'll be handing you was written, typed, and printed on company time and resources. Thanks!

I'm tired of all my depressing posts.

sendrileswench@gmail.com — Thu, 07 Feb 2008 00:05:53 GMT

Last night I spent the bulk of my drive home from work crying because by boss had once again managed to make me feel like a worthless piece of shit. Shortly after I got home I resolved to not put up with this any more, and decided to quit upon my boss' arrival into the office today.

She has yet to come in. It is past 3pm, and she is not here. Nor will she be here today, or at least it doesn't look like she'll be here today.

This makes it impossible for me to quit today as I had wished to, and instead I will have to suffer through work for another day.

But instead of dwelling on this distressing fact, I have instead decided to occupy my mind with happier thoughts in an attempt to make today seem a little better.

And so far, it's worked. For today I have spent the bulk of my time thinking about my boyfriend, and how ridiculously lucky I am to have him. I mean honestly, fantastic, sexy boys like him do not single me out in a crowd of prettier women and say "I want that one". They just don't. Now I'm not saying that I'm incredibly ugly or anything, but I know that if it weren't for the red hair I'd be considered entirely average or less.

But for whatever reason, he singled me out, and then decided he liked me enough to try spending some time with me the next weekend. Which then turned into seeing him the weekend after that, and the one after that, and the one after that, until we got to the point we're at now. Where it's nearly 6 months later and his family seems to be at least getting used to me, I helped his grandmother and mom redecorate a part of his grandparents house, and at the end of the weekend neither one of us wants to let the other one go.

Allow me to summarize for you: I am damn lucky.

How the hell I got this lucky I will never know. Maybe some deity likes me, or maybe one of them took pity on me for a split second and nudged us towards each other. Or maybe I just got lucky as hell. Either way, I am so very, VERY grateful to have him, because he is a wonderful and amazing person who can make me happy with just a phone call. So that's my focus for today, because even just thinking about how I'll get to talk to him later while I drive home makes me smile.

And I sincerely hope that each and every one of you on my friends list one day finds someone who makes you as happy as he makes me if haven't already. Because even if this relationship doesn't last forever and one day I wind up with yet another broken heart, getting to have someone who makes me this happy, even if it's only for a little while, is definitely worth it. No matter what.

Sappy but true.

sendrileswench@gmail.com — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 19:55:09 GMT

He got worried last night.

Usually when I drive home Sunday it's late and I'm tired and he makes me promise to call him when I get home. Which he did just like he always does. So I drove home, made it there in just over an hour, walked into the house and cleared off my bed and started to get changed so that I could call him and crawl into bed, in the hopes that his voice would be the last thing I heard before I closed my eyes and went to sleep.

But he got worried, and before I could finish clearing off my bed he called, just be sure I was okay.

I was surprised that he was still awake, but the fact that he'd looked at the time, seen that it was over an hour, and got worried enough to call me was so wonderfully sweet. We talked for a little longer than we usually do when I call to let him know I made it home. I didn't want to hang up the phone, if only because I'd managed to clear my bed and change while we talked, so I was in bed, curled up under warm covers, and listening to the sound of his voice. It would have been better if he'd been there in person, because then I could've slept well, but still. I didn't want to put the phone down.

I miss him. Terribly.

It's been less than 24 hours since I last saw him and I miss him. Every weekend I begin to miss him the moment I drive away from his house. I hate having to leave him every week knowing that I've got to get through 5 long days before I can see him again. I know it's only five days and I do this every week, but ever week it's harder and harder to leave, and every week I miss him more and more. It's kind of ridiculous, but I have trouble getting through the day if I haven't heard from him the night before, or if I know I can't call him on my way home from work that day.

I need him. It's a little scary to realize, but it's true. He makes me so happy, and I like to think I do the same for him, because goddess knows I do my best. And I think I've done a decent job of it thus far. At least, I think if I weren't doing a decent job of making him happy he wouldn't have started talking about moving in with me the first chance we get. And it's a little scary that the thought of living together doesn't seem like a big deal to me. It just feels so very right.

It doesn't even feel right the same way the idea of living with Alicia felt right all that time ago. The thought of getting to come home to him every day, or even just the thought getting to come home to my own apartment and finding it empty, but knowing that he'll come be coming home to the same place before the night's over is just... it makes me so happy. Just to think about. And then I think that it's an actual realistic possibility and it makes me even happier. I know it wouldn't be all perfect and happy and that living with him would probably make us each find a couple annoying habits in the other, and I know it'd have it's ups and downs, but he makes me so happy and the idea that I'd still get to be with him at the end of each day is just so wonderful that I know it'd be worth working through any problems we might have.

I love him, and I can't help it. He's amazing and wonderful and it's a little scary to think that I care about him that much, but I do and I wouldn't change it for anything.

I just hope that one day I can get over my fear of scaring him off so that I can tell him all this, because he deserves to know how happy he makes me.

I feel achy.

sendrileswench@gmail.com — Thu, 31 Jan 2008 14:38:47 GMT

I woke up about an hour ago with a fever of 100.8 degrees.

Definitely won't be going into work today.

Just wish I didn't feel like crap. :(

One day at a time..

sendrileswench@gmail.com — Tue, 29 Jan 2008 19:15:37 GMT

Yesterday was... interesting. As I stated in in yesterday's post I had prepared myself to be fired upon my boss' arrival in the office. Both fortunately and unfortunately, she never did come in. Nor will she be coming in at all today. She called with things she needed me to do once or twice, but that was it.

And when we spoke on the phone she never mentioned my not showing at the party. She didn't ask what had happened, didn't ask where I was or why my message had just said "I'm not well". She didn't even mention it. So I'm not sure what that means. I don't know if that means she's waiting until she comes into the office to speak to me in person, or if she's so mad she can't talk about it yet. I don't know if she's just going to ignore it and pretend it never happened, or if she's waiting for the Vice President to get into the office and she'll have him talk to me. I don't know if he'll speak to me and tell me I'm fired, or if nothing will come of this.

So at the moment I'm stuck in limbo. I don't know what's going to happen, and I have no way of moving the process of finding out forward without playing my hand, which at this point would involve giving them my two weeks notice. And while I would love not having to come in to work this job any more, I also am attempting to leave in the best way possible, as I don't want to leave behind any bad feelings or negativity.

And I hate this feeling of not knowing what's coming next. I mean, I like surprises and all, but I hate not having even the slightest forewarning of whether or not this will be a good or bad thing. It's hard to prepare myself for the next time I speak to my boss in person when I don't know what to expect from her. I don't know if I need to steel myself against her anger, or if I can just relax because she's already dropped it entirely. In either case, at the moment it's got me on edge and I hate that feeling of teetering on the brink of the unknown. It's both worrisome and annoying, and no matter what happens I just hope it's all resolved soon.

Newness

sendrileswench@gmail.com — Tue, 29 Jan 2008 17:59:39 GMT

Since GJ is dying, I will be using this journal as it's substitute. I will also be uploading old journal entries from my GJ to here so that I do not loose them.

And I'll be cross posting from my LJ. So here's hoping this one works out.