explanation

spinnigoldchan@hotmail.com — Tue, 03 Jun 2008 15:04:48 GMT

So, I thought it would be best if you had an explanation post, so this is what this is. Most likely after this I'll just be on LJ, but I think...well, I think it's best for you to know both sides.

First off, apologies for the last post; yes it was immature in some aspects, but quite frankly, it could have been a hell of a lot worse. I'd had enough.

As it goes, I feel I ought to share that I am in love with Andreja-- and it has been that way long before she and Steph got together. So, unsurprisingly, it hurt me a hell of a lot when they became 'official'. It took me a long time to reply to Steph's 'squee' post. It hurt, yes, but I was going to keep things to myself. I had no intention of doing anything.

I made a little journal/comm called cold_in_seoul purposely for the reason of getting rid of things in my heart- so I could put them somewhere instead of bottling it up. But I always kept the posts hugely cryptic, as both Steph and Andreja had access to it. I wasn't intending to let them know the truth at all. However, after one particular post, Andreja had a talk with me and asked me if it was about her. Apparently I hadn't been cryptic enough. During the conversation, she managed to get me to admit my feelings. I cried an awful lot, I don't know why. I guess I felt that her knowing would drive us apart as friends- however much she claimed it wouldn't. I told her above all to ignore my feelings, and to look after Steph. I'm not trying to be some sort of selfless martyr, I honestly didn't want her worrying about me or any of my feelings. I didn't want it to affect anything; hence why I kept it to myself in the first place.

I guess it made Andreja really think about things however, and to evaluate her relationship with Steph. By this time, things had really been blown out of proportion by what I can only label as their 'fanbase'; constant 'OTP!!1' honours in honourcup, etc. Of course, she told Steph about my feelings, and Steph told Ashe, and Ashe made that 'dear you' type post in her journal you saw a while back, accusing Andreja of being a princess and 'listening to the menial whinings of someone who doesn't matter'. Which, understandably, annoyed me as I had not been 'whining' to her at all. To be honest, I had been...well, dead practically.

As such it caused Andreja and Ashe to talk, and due to the conversation that ensued, Andreja realised that her feelings for Steph were different to what she had originally believed.

And you all saw it and know the details; they broke up.

The Most Important Thing you need to know from this is that Andreja did everything in her power to make sure Steph was ok. Understandably, Steph was hurt, I'm not saying she wasn't for a moment. But never did Andreja stop being there for her. You know Andreja, she's the sort of person who does nothing but care deeply for her friends. And during this there was nothing going on between myself and Andreja. Although her little thinking session had also thrown up the understanding that she was interested in me, neither one of us were about to act upon it. Our priority, both of us, was to make sure Steph was all right.

However, things began to become unstuck. On a near daily basis Steph was really guilt-tripping Andreja, accusing her of cheating on her with me, claiming she knew from the beginning that things were going to end, etc. She began to really hurt Andreja- normally any talks between the two of them would have would end in Steph saying something along the lines of 'Whatever' to Andreja's help or reasoning. She was also posting regularly about how awful Andreja had made her feel. Whilst Andreja was doing nothing- she was not posting, she was not ranting Steph out; anything.

Part way through this, Laura and Steph became friends again, and they sort of joined up as some sort of 'ex-seme squad'. They both began emailing and berating Andreja, and commenting on her poetry journal with things that quite frankly were not theirs to say (and yes, I do have reading access to that journal, so I can see everything the both of you have been saying), especially Laura for some reason. Most of this was the now general topic of 'Don't have anything to do with Spinni!'

This began to get worse and worse, and quite frankly, Andreja was too nice. She allowed them to trample all over her. I began to get extremely angry, as when I got to talk to Andreja each day, she was often really upset and hurt that her efforts to remain friends with Steph were practically pointless. She asked Steph once if it was ok for her to maybe think about dating me, and Steph went off on another destructive emo post session. She would not listen to Andreja.

As such, I think Andreja just resigned herself to the fact that it wasn't going to work out- trying to remain friends with Steph. That was when she made her last hiatus post- the original version included a note to Steph that she couldn't see it working, the two of them being friends. Steph commented straight away with something along the lines of 'Oh, nice, so that's how little you think of me. Whatever' or thereabouts. Andreja ended up screening the comments and editing the post down to just 'hiatus', and emailed Steph to talk about it reasonably. Steph was having none of it.

This is what I cannot understand. How much Steph basically pushed Andreja away and accused her of all number of untrue things while still believing that Andreja would still want to be her friend. Tough love complex, maybe? I don't know. All I know is that now I was getting really angry with her. But I still said nothing.

But it got worse and worse, and as such, Andreja and I just decided to stop 'fighting', as it were. That's what my last post was about. I was almost like a cathartic release. If it offended Steph, then so be it. I honestly do not care anymore, as she has hurt Andreja, and therefore me, too much. Being the one who was dumped does not make you the better person.

I'm going to have to concur with glaceon's recent post. Steph most certainly is not the 'perfect angel' a lot of you seem to believe she is. When things don't go her way she throws a little tantrum. I'm fed up of it.

She cut both Andreja and myself, unsurprisingly, so...that's that really. I haven't removed her from my flist, purely because...I just don't cut people. Ever, really. It's just not my bag.

Also, I note with some incredulous annoyance that now Steph and Ashe are a couple. And that it has most likely been going on behind the scenes for a while. All the while Steph was trampling Andreja into the mud for even thinking about being with me. Hypocrite much? Do you understand now why I'm so angry about this?

Also, Laura, I dont' know what you're doing, but it has nothing to do with you. So stop posting rants as if you're involved, and 'disappointed' in us. If you want to cut Andreja, the just do it! For christ's sake. Steph is far from 'emotionally fragile'. Will you take your head out of her arse and move on. This has nothing to do with you. I don't care if you 'once loved Andreja'. Now you don't. This isn't your business. So shove off.

So, as of now, yes, Andreja and I are together. We're both sick to death of restricting ourselves for the sake of others so pointlessly. We were both weary of being together because we predicted so much wank coming out of it. That you'll all be 'happy lovely' about Steph and Ashe being together, but you'd shun us. As if we were the 'bad guys' Steph wanted you all to think we were. It just really upsets me.

I'm not saying all of you are like this, however. I want to thank you personally, Kei, for helping Andreja too. You need anything, you drop me a line, ok? Thanks a lot, sweetheart ♥

I guess you're free to make your own opinions up. But at least now you have a vague idea of both sides.
I'll be on LJ if you need me. You can rely on me for anything, ok? Don't forget that.

If you read all that without skipping bits, well done. And to lighten the mood, here's a video of a cat playing the bongos.

spinnigoldchan@hotmail.com — Mon, 02 Jun 2008 21:28:22 GMT

Dear you,

K BAI,
Me

spinnigoldchan@hotmail.com — Thu, 20 Mar 2008 16:53:07 GMT

I feel like I'm missing a few of you on IJ and here on scribbld. So if I haven't got you added on IJ, please could you comment here with your details.

Same if you know people from GJ who have relocated to IJ and I haven't got added, etc.

It would be a big help.

I'm toying with the idea of having a semi-hiatus. Because I'm just as miserable here as I am in RL. And I need a break. Maybe there are certain people who might realise how much they're ignoring me if I leave for a while.

However, I doubt that.

So, if you could, if you're on IJ, can I please have your details? Thanks.

udon noodles

explanation