Musing
WARNING: This post consists of a great deal of self-analysis in the context of society that, while it may explain last weekend's PostSecret of sorts, may also stray into TL;DR territory. It is cut for your convienence, but feel free to read and agree or disagree as you see fit.


So we live in a competitive society. I don't think anyone is willing to dispute this. Look at where glory is given; to sports stars and Presidents, people who win some great contest. Sports fans and political adherents sort of tag along on those victories and cheer as if they were the ones who won, because in some sense they are. Presidents and sports stars come to represent you and me, and we can share vicariously in their victory because we feel that in supporting them we have won in a contest with our friends and acquaintances who did not. So we can win that way.

Or we can win in smaller ways. We can get the best grade in a class (hence the perennial question, that bane of teachers, "whadjaget?") or win on a smaller sports field. We can get the most dates, collect the most admirers, be the prettiest or most handsome, play the best trumpet this side of Louis Armstrong, write bestselling songs, get in the movies. There's all sorts of ways to win.

I'm not good at any of them.

No, seriously, hear me out. I am not a sports person--so not a sports person it's kind of pathetic. I am a horse person, yes, but I'm not as good at it as some people I know, and anyway I'd rather be on the ground handling and taking care of the horses as opposed to riding them, which apparently in horse circles is "OMG UR DOIN IT WRONG." Anyway, my mother doesn't seem to think it's a viable career, based on her not-so-subtle commands for me to "network" with people I know and get a different summer job. Never mind that I do not have transportation to this projected job since my brother needs the car to get to school, and the job at the stables at least gives me evening shifts; even if they're only two hours a day they are in fact a job that I can get to without inconviencing my brother. Never mind that networking scares me shitless for various reasons and makes me feel like I'm using these people that I like and respect.

Erm, sorry, that got a bit off topic. Bit of a sore spot, obviously. Returning to competition. I'm not beautiful. I'm curvy, yes, but I'm not beautiful; far too much acne and a square jawline. I'm certainly pretty, but pretty isn't good enough. To even make second-best, I require loads of makeup which I do not own and certain styles of clothing that make me uncomfortable to emphasize my good features. I don't like doing that, so I don't, but it still puts me in the also-rans at best.

I don't get dates. No idea why, but my current boyfriend is my first, and as much of a wonder as he is, we don't exactly date because it's not really our thing. I don't play musical instruments well because I can never be bothered to practice. I don't follow sports and I'm not exactly political. I don't write songs, I don't act or sing well (judging by my casting in general), and I can't dance, which is rather sad. I can't draw, I reason rather poorly out loud and I suck at math and science when neither one actively involves blowing shit up.

So I used to win a lot. I am very intelligent, and pretty quick off the mark, and this served me very well in elementary and junior high. I used to get the highest grades in the class. I think I was in junior high before I got my first B and in high school before I got my first D. Obviously high school and college got very hard all of a sudden, and I started to feel like I was coming in second-best all the time, even when I wasn't.

Especially lately, I feel as if I come in second-best in everything I do. It's like, yes, I write some pretty good fanfiction and post it, but the second after I do, someone else who is better than I am posts something and I come in second-best. Yes, I sing well enough to get callbacks, but the second after I leave, someone comes in who's so much better than me that I never really had a chance. Yes, a guy will smile at me, but he'll ask someone else out. Yes, I'll say something intelligent, but someone else will come up with something better. Life is a game of one-upmanship and I'm no good at it.

So yes, I feel like I need constant appreciation to even survive, and when I don't get it I feel worthless. Weirdly, even if that appreciation comes in the form of criticism, at least it's an acknowledgement that I'm alive. Someone has a genuine interest in whether I'm alive or dead when it feels like no one would really notice or care either way. Teachers tend to help with this, and so do my parents when they're not trying to make me do things that seriously unnerve me or go against my interests. Counselors are good for this. My friends are good for this sometimes.

Lest this start sounding like self-justification, I state here that I know this isn't a healthy way of existence. I am actively trying to change it, but it's hard. Our society does not provide a means of judging yourself beyond active competition with others. That's why seventeen-year-old boys throw temper tantrums when their goals go wide and get their fathers to call the school and tell them that their sons' goals must be allowed. That's why children end up with low self-esteem and parents push their kids so hard. What else can we do when there's no other way of gaining self-esteem other than winning?

This probably also links into a lot of other things like percieved femininity and what society values in a woman as well as what I value in myself, but I'm tired and I still have to go vote. So I'll leave this to you now. What do you think?